I’ll love you untill the day I die..

Life is such a fragile thing. Beautiful, brilliant and brief. I fear death. Not my own…but I have an intense fear knowing that those whom I love won’t be around forever. I have a very irrational hope that everyone I know will somehow out live me, so that I never have to face a situation where I’m left with grief over their passing.

I love many people, but there is a handful of people whom I absolutely adore beyond comprehension, and just thinking of them being gone, creates a lump in my throat and makes my eyes well up with tears. I feel that there is no possible way that I’ll be able to cope with knowing I can’t see them or hug them, hear the sound of their voice, cherish them and love them.

My soul won’t be able to handle the grief of loosing my mom or dad, or my children, or my soul mate… It will undoubtedly shatter my heart into a million pieces that would never be able to heal.

I look at my mom, at her hands… Hands that nurtured and cared for so many people, skin now thinning, looking much frailer than 10 years ago. I watch my youngest daughter cuddle up on my dad’s lap… It used to be my most favorite place as a child. It held a sense of security and love.

I can’t imagine not seeing that or not being able to hug my mom or dad. Every time we visit, I make sure to get a hug, to smell how they smell, to take in as much visual memories as I possibly can. It’s the same with my girls. I think there is no greater sorrow than that of a parent that looses a child. I would never be able to bear it.

Then there is my soul mate. Trusted friend, confidant, loving partner, lover… You can be surrounded by people that care for you, but there is that one precious person that you love so very dearly.. And even when you are apart, you can sketch them visually down to the finest detail simply because you know every bit of their being so unbelievably well. You are so intertwined that your soul will be fractured if you should ever loose them.

I have not been made strong enough to deal with death… I hope I don’t have to deal with it for a very long time to come…

7 thoughts on “I’ll love you untill the day I die..

  1. I wanted to cry as I read this. I lost both my parents….and recently a sister.

    I agree with you regarding losing one’s child. I would not be able to bear that either.

    However, it is my hope, that when I grow old, and find someone again … that in our old age, my partner would go before me … so they would not have to bear the sorry … and that I would go soon after.

    I too wish you a long, long time before ever have to face such sorrow.


  2. My sentiments exactly….. I don’t think I would be able to bear that….. life is so precious and I am just gratefull that we are all spared today….. SO many things can go wrong…I had a big scare 10 years ago….that is why I am thankful for every momemnt with my loved ones…..treasure every moment, every breath, every day…….


  3. Oh Dear, this is how our life is. There is nothing permanent, including the people. We have to face the after effects. All we can do is, make the best out of life in the present. Live the present to the fullest.

    I read this post at the right time in my life. Just about to say good bye to some dear ones – not the last good bye though šŸ™‚

    Thank you!


  4. I lost my Dad in 1981 and just last year I lost my Mum. As you say , short of a child or your soul mate, there is nothing worse.

    I felt the loss of my Mum very hard.
    Nothing can prepare you for the hurt and pain of a parents death.

    The sense of loss, physical and mental for me was almost overwhelming, and I’m not sure that even now a year later I’m over her death.
    A parent is one of those constants, they have always been there, and always will be.
    If you managed to read through my blog and the last few entries, you’ll know how I feel.

    It’s the little things I miss, phone call on birthdays, specially chosen cards for chrismas with loving words painstakingly written across the page, going round to see her on a friday night, cream cakes for tea, her smell, her touch, and strangely her voice. She had such a lovely voice, cultured and educated, a pleasure to listen to ( apart from when I was getting a telling off šŸ™‚ )
    It has been / was one of my worst fears, and to be honest i’m not sure if I ever will get over it.

    I can’t contemplate life without my wife. She is everything you describe as a soul mate, and without her I don’t think I would be here now.
    Make as much of your parents whilst they are here, ask those questions that you want to ask, while you can. Gone is gone, tomorrow might be too late, nothing lasts forever.
    I hope your turn with a brush with death doesn’t come for a very long time, and that you,and all your family live long and healthy lives.
    love n hugs


  5. I’m kind of the complete opposite. I’ve lost about twelve people who really meant something to me. I deal with the process like this; I don’t think of them as being gone, just no longer can i converse with them. Everybody croaks and to be the last one standing just means the universe might have a grander plan for you. I remember the good times not the bad. I’m grateful that i had the chance to meet and share time with them. They are still here when their body passes, they just become floating molecules and parts of those molecules attach them-self to everyone they ever loved. I deal with death through reflection. I’m glad they were here and that I knew them. šŸ™‚ That said I’ve been alone for a fair bit of my life and I think I might have been scarred a little by love and death šŸ˜¦


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