Wish…Want…

So at last Christmas has come and gone. I must admit I’m glad it’s over. This was the first year I didn’t spend Christmas day with my girls and didn’t see my mom and dad.

Seeing as the girls had to go to their dad’s, we opted to do everything we usually do on Christmas day on Christmas eve. My dad put up lights as usual for the girls and everyone tried to be in the festive spirit. My daughter turned 10 on Christmas day. I only briefly saw my girls Christmas morning before dropping them at their dad’s.

I woke with a heavy heart and the trip to their dad’s was agonizingly painful. I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. My youngest daughter didn’t say a word for the entire trip and saying goodbye was heartbreaking. I know it’s only for a couple of days, but it makes no difference.

I ended up spending Christmas with friends and had absolutely amazing food and dessert, but I could not shake the feeling of sadness I felt the entire day. It’s truly emotionally draining to feel so overwhelmed by it. I so missed my girls.

Christmas held no surprises, I didn’t have a Christmas list, but did wish for one or two things. Wishes don’t come true though, and this year mine left me disappointed … Sigh

I’m dreading 2013, I’m hoping it will be a better year than the current one.

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Smile and wave

It is the season to be jolly…. Hmmmm nope, I think not.

Pondering over some thoughts this last week, I have come to realize that sometimes you really need to wake up, breathe in deeply and accept things for what they are and people the way they are. I told my friend this morning that I am at a selfish point in my life where I don’t want to take a step back, and where I don’t want to be super considerate. For once, just for once, I want to be considered first, or deemed of high enough importance that what I think or feel matters… Even in the smallest, remotest possible way.

Sadly that the harsh fact remains that it just won’t be that way for me. I understand with my current circumstances, the this and the that are going through a rough time… I get it, be accommodating, be super duper understanding… But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could say ” hey, I’m kinda going through a bad time also…a little consideration would be appreciated”

I know, I’m super selfish, trust me, I’m really working on it… Trying to just do what I do best, do what I have done for so many years and take a step back… Be considerate and accommodating, smile and wave. It’s just so unbelievably difficult to do when those steps back or considerations really tear at your heart. I hate feeling a sense of continual loss… Like the feeling that you are holding onto something, regripping the entire time, but yet still loosing your hold. Feeling like you are grasping at something that is not entirely yours, and will never be.

I feel like a child being told to share and not wanting to. Sharing your entire life sometimes gets you to a point where you just want to have your toys all to yourself. Sigh…. I know, I know… Pointless hormonal ramblings 😦

I also realize that I have come to a point in my life where I put very little value into words. Most are spoken but not meant. They have become so robotic or automated in a sense, a general response. It frustrates me so!

I do so wish Christmas would fly past. Feeling at the precipice of tears continually does not leave me excited about it at all. There is absolutely nothing, no gift that could lift my spirits this year, not even if the planets all suddenly started spurting signs of life and aligning in cute formations… Nothing!