Smile and wave

It is the season to be jolly…. Hmmmm nope, I think not.

Pondering over some thoughts this last week, I have come to realize that sometimes you really need to wake up, breathe in deeply and accept things for what they are and people the way they are. I told my friend this morning that I am at a selfish point in my life where I don’t want to take a step back, and where I don’t want to be super considerate. For once, just for once, I want to be considered first, or deemed of high enough importance that what I think or feel matters… Even in the smallest, remotest possible way.

Sadly that the harsh fact remains that it just won’t be that way for me. I understand with my current circumstances, the this and the that are going through a rough time… I get it, be accommodating, be super duper understanding… But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could say ” hey, I’m kinda going through a bad time also…a little consideration would be appreciated”

I know, I’m super selfish, trust me, I’m really working on it… Trying to just do what I do best, do what I have done for so many years and take a step back… Be considerate and accommodating, smile and wave. It’s just so unbelievably difficult to do when those steps back or considerations really tear at your heart. I hate feeling a sense of continual loss… Like the feeling that you are holding onto something, regripping the entire time, but yet still loosing your hold. Feeling like you are grasping at something that is not entirely yours, and will never be.

I feel like a child being told to share and not wanting to. Sharing your entire life sometimes gets you to a point where you just want to have your toys all to yourself. Sigh…. I know, I know… Pointless hormonal ramblings 😦

I also realize that I have come to a point in my life where I put very little value into words. Most are spoken but not meant. They have become so robotic or automated in a sense, a general response. It frustrates me so!

I do so wish Christmas would fly past. Feeling at the precipice of tears continually does not leave me excited about it at all. There is absolutely nothing, no gift that could lift my spirits this year, not even if the planets all suddenly started spurting signs of life and aligning in cute formations… Nothing!

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One thought on “Smile and wave

  1. Sometimes it does you good to be completely selfish.
    Get yourself out and have a pamper day,( with some friendsif you prefer) get your hair done, and do something for just for you.
    No guilt, no regrets, put all those considerate thoughts to the back of your mind, and just enjoy the day.
    I hope you managed christmas without too much heartache. It’s very easy for me to sit on the other end of a wire giving out advice, but to actually live it and be there is something that right now you are having to live, thinkiing that heartache will never go away.
    I can’t promise it will, but things will become easier, that I do know.
    I case I dont get round before, Happy New Year, and I hope it brings you all that you want and need.
    Personally I can’t wait for this year to finish, the last 2 years have been ones that I really don’t want to repeat.
    Take care amd remember, have that day!
    love n hugs
    xxx

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