It’s strange how experiences from the past can affect your views, or shape your fears. It’s difficult to not compare or judge or assume the worst just because you have become so used to certain things or so used to certain reactions.
I have come to realize that some things that are lost can indeed be found again. Sometimes the search takes time, and sometimes things find you without you searching for it.
Last year around this time I sat on the floor of my house with shards of glass surrounding me with every surface covered in broken pieces of pots and frames, filled with so much fear, with my chest so constricted that I felt I would never breathe again. As I sat there sobbing my only thought was to get up, to sweep up and get the house sorted before I pick my girls up from school. So that is what I did.
People say being selfish is easy, it’s not. My choices to be happy and fulfilled was selfish. It was also undoubtedly the single most difficult thing I have ever done. I will never forget those moments where I scooped up the broken pieces with the shards cutting into my hands. In those moments it wasn’t just about scooping up the broken glass, but I was scooping up the broken pieces of myself.
In those moments I felt so broken and lost that I could not imagine ever finding my way back to happiness. The road to where we want to go might not be planned out on a map, but finding the courage to start the journey is ultimately the first step. I’ve taken many steps, and look forward to many more.
I know that at the end of the day I’ll find my way, if not, it will find me.