When September ends

Only two days left of September. I could not be happier that this month is finally coming to an end. It’s the month I started dating my ex, the month we got married and years later the month the girls and I moved out and the month we started divorce proceedings.

There were a few contributing factors that made this month particularly difficult. For one I had to phone my mom on her wedding anniversary, a date we use to share, and wish her without bursting into tears. I had to live through the many regrets I have and will always have. Then there was the wedding of my friend’s dad. With every dress I sewed I cried, with every thought of beautiful vows and flowers and happy wedding bliss, I was filled with sadness. I loved being apart of it all, but the constant reminder that I will never have that again was painful.

I know with my history I can’t expect any man to want to marry me, and be burdened with my children. I hate compromise, I did it for 15 years so I am selfish. I want what I want, but still I find myself at the precipice of another spell of way too much compromise and it infuriates me. I hate excuses, I try not to make them, and despise receiving them in return. You want something or you don’t, compromising on your choice of pudding will leave you satisfied with the dessert, but unfulfilled because you didn’t have exactly what you wanted.

I have been left damaged by my previous relationship, everyone is left with scars and damaged at some point, the fact that people use this as their excuse is what upsets me most.

Sigh, you reach a point in life where you know you can compromise and be happy with apple pie, but you also know you’ll be completely fulfilled and in absolute bliss having the chocolate mousse you actually want. So should you rather skip having apple pie and wait till you can have chocolate mousse? Surely then the people insisting on apple pie can have just that and in their own right be fulfilled, and you can end up having chocolate mousse with someone that wants chocolate mousse and also be fulfilled.

So is it really worth going through life being happy but not fulfilled?

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12 thoughts on “When September ends

  1. I really relate to your words as so often I have felt I have to compromise on what I need/want for others – not anymore I don’t

    Rule 1: Be true to self

    Rule 2: Never compromise self

    Rule 3: If you feel you must compromise refer to above rules.

  2. As we seek self fulfillment and actualization we ask ourselves the question you posed here. Is there really an answer? I doubt it, but I think your post helps us all stay on our toes.

  3. You echoed my own thoughts here. It is hard being at a place you never expected to be. I am also there, but for a different reason. I understand expecting to be alone, that no one will want you, but I don’t believe it. You will find happiness again. You will find your happy place with the dessert you want and deserve. Be strong, have faith, and keep looking up. It will be okay. And at those times it isn’t, eat some chocolate mousse. It makes everything better. Hugs!

  4. I’d really like some chocolate mousse right now! Just joking.. This is really touching, as I can relate to this, as well as knowing people who would appreciate this, knowing that they are not alone! That someone else feels exactly the same way… Great piece! Especially the following part: “I have been left damaged by my previous relationship, everyone is left with scars and damaged at some point, the fact that people use this as there excuse is what upsets me most. “

  5. I am trying to accept the fact that I need to ditch dessert. I sound cynical, I know. I am allowing scars and pain speak – but right now I need to forget dessert all together because chances are it is laced with arsenic.

  6. To share something like this with us is truly sad and beautiful at the same time. I know that you will overcome. You are a beautiful soul (from what I’ve read; I feel that you and I aren’t too different) and a wonderful person. I know that you will not only find true happiness, but it will happen without the compromise.

    I know that you have people tell you they understand. I sympathize; we all have scars from the demons and monsters of our pasts. It is what you become from those demons and monsters is who you really are and will become.

    Blessings to you and yours. Know that you are not alone.

  7. It sounds like you are “living the questions” right now, and they are such good questions to ask. I have heard that yearning + trust = happiness. Have a clear plan for what you want and trust it will happen as you desire it.

  8. I knew as soon as I saw the name of your blog I wanted in. I am so sorry that September holds so many horrible memories for you – I am sorry you are in a state of chaos right now I have been in my own state of chaos and whilst I refuse to offer you advice I will instead off you the hand of friendship should you ever need to rant to some random stranger who may understand what its like.

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