The facade

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Significant moments of change are definitely not as exciting as they seem at first glance. You find yourself going through the motions, moving from one step to the other autonomously.  It’s moments of “just get through this hour… just get through this day… just get through this week”.  At night you sigh with the notion that sleep is in sight, you have barely finished releasing that breath of utter relief and then it starts all over again. The next day, the next moment…

I can’t say I live for weekends, they are fleeting and time is spent hovering around in the seconds they encapsulate trying to desperately get everything that was neglected through the week back on track and up to date.

Maybe it is just the overwhelming sense of time lost and the limitation of not having enough time to just breathe and be that is so overwhelmingly daunting.  The notion that you have no choice other than accepting the limitations you are bound by and allowing yourself to go with it. To give in to all that you don’t want for yourself, allowing adulthood to swallow your dreams of balance and creative expression. You are expected to leap over the edge and accept the fate that is yours.  In light of your frustrations you are judged and friendly encouragement from others slowly nudges you closer to where they expect you to  just fall so that your silence can be music to their ears.

Moments of reflection give you brief perspective and makes you realize that it has been written on the path of so many others before you and you should just blend yourself into the mass of other colors that end up being a dull pool of grey. Maybe once you have snubbed the overly ambitious dreams and have ridden yourself of all color you can just melt into the cesspool of all that is normal. Maybe this acceptance will lead to a false sense of joy and achievement because in light of you letting go of all that defines you as a person, you no longer feel that it is a significant loss.

 

Lost where you don’t belong

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Reading through my other blog I so miss the annonimity this one used to have. This used to be my place, my spot where I was not judged for the words that encapsulated my every emotion.  Nothing I loved is as it used to be, not even my blog. Everything is new, judged daily, hearing nastiness from those you need desperate support from.

It’s easy to judge a person’s character,  their mothering skills, comment on how miserable they are and that nothing will make them happy.  Standing on the opposite side thinking they are self centered is easy to do when you are happy and content.

Like I said in my new blog, one of the many new things I have but don’t want, you cannot pour from an empty cup.

Maybe,  just maybe there is just no room to consider anyone else when you are so focussed on just not self destructing . You might think that selfish but the choice is that or way worse. When every day from dusk till dawn and spurts in between is all just mammoth moments of “just get through it”.

And yes, do me a favour and please do not comment or speak your concern. I just don’t care.. At all.

Not to brag but…

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I suppose all mothers brag, but I have moments where I realize I have sooo much reason to brag!  I have two beautiful daughters. They do very well at school so a good combination of beauty and brains 😀

Then besides the good grades and pretty smiles they also do well in music.  Yes yes it’s just singing and playing guitar, but none the less. One just made it through to the finals of a local singing contest.

Having just celebrated my youngest’s tenth birthday it made me reflect and look back on all the baby pics and what not. They have changed so much.

I’m so proud of the young ladies they are turning into. Big smile

Almost 10

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So June marks my baby girl’s birthday… Double figures.. BIG sigh. It’s strange how she seems so little but so big at the same time. Suddenly her legs seem to be endless and she has been growing at at rate that would put the best genetically modified vegetables to shame.

Double figures… Finally turning 10. Her birthday marks the point in my life where I will never again have a child that is young enough to be in the range of 1 to 9.

I feel a sense of loss. She will always be the baby, but it is still so final. She has been studying for her first exam that starts tomorrow. Big kid stuff, long gone are the small tests. The pictures of stick men and big yellow sunshines in the corners of a page has turned into intricate family portraits.  Smelling nice now dominates over the musky smell of a dirty todler. Pink lips and perfect hair has taken the place of uncombed messy bed hair.  Sigh, how things change

I don’t feel entirely ready to give over to the changes and looking at the other 3 older kids it is definitely getting harder seeing them all grow up so fast and becoming more independent. Yip this mom will definitely suffer from empty nest syndrome when it arrives.  For now at least they still demand to be tucked into bed and I still get to do their hair… It’s the little things.