Almost 10

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So June marks my baby girl’s birthday… Double figures.. BIG sigh. It’s strange how she seems so little but so big at the same time. Suddenly her legs seem to be endless and she has been growing at at rate that would put the best genetically modified vegetables to shame.

Double figures… Finally turning 10. Her birthday marks the point in my life where I will never again have a child that is young enough to be in the range of 1 to 9.

I feel a sense of loss. She will always be the baby, but it is still so final. She has been studying for her first exam that starts tomorrow. Big kid stuff, long gone are the small tests. The pictures of stick men and big yellow sunshines in the corners of a page has turned into intricate family portraits.  Smelling nice now dominates over the musky smell of a dirty todler. Pink lips and perfect hair has taken the place of uncombed messy bed hair.  Sigh, how things change

I don’t feel entirely ready to give over to the changes and looking at the other 3 older kids it is definitely getting harder seeing them all grow up so fast and becoming more independent. Yip this mom will definitely suffer from empty nest syndrome when it arrives.  For now at least they still demand to be tucked into bed and I still get to do their hair… It’s the little things.

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Walking on broken glass

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Trying to not dissapoint people is much harder than it seems. I am peering over the precipice of significant transformation and I am completely engulfed in the suffocating cloud of decisions and insecurities.

It is significant how you act or react when someone or something takes all possibility away from you. It almost confirms the tough choices you have to make are worth making. Like a thief in the night that robs you of what you love, what you hold dear, what you would miss… But being reassured that new and better things will replace all that has been lost.

I have tried to add value, I have tried to improve the quality of things.. We have tried, we have tried and we have failed. It is difficult being a supporter, it is even more difficult being a decider.

With so many things hanging in the balance the path is clear. It is lit by arrows showing the way. The difficulty lies in getting onto the path and moving forward in the direction of those arrows.

I was told recently by an “angel lady” a spiritual guide that she sees me constantly moving, that I need to just “go now”. That with the significant rebirth and transformation all will be in balance as it should be.

I have come to realise a few things…  Where he is..the love of my life..there I will be happy, even if that is worlds away…

I was meant to have 4 kids, that’s why God blessed me with them…

I love my dog and I need to have her with me even if it means that we will be seperated for a while…

I love my family.. I love my family….I love my family… They will all be fine

The six Faces of Maternal Narcissism

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I have been doing a lot of reading on abuse, neglect, divorce, parenting … basically everything I can get my hands on to try and understand the way certain people act the way they do,  how they rationalize things, how the justify their actions… also trying to understand my own reactions to certain situations etc.  I came across this article and found it very interesting, I always maintained that no matter what, everyone is ultimately accountable for their actions or inactions, no matter the background..

What does the empty mirror reflect for you?

“Published on March 14, 2011 by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. in The Legacy of Distorted Love”

The six faces of maternal narcissism are identified as: the psychosomatic, the addicted, the secretly mean, and the emotionally needy. A parent can be a mixture of these types and often that is the case. Although brief, the following will explain each type.

The Flamboyant-Extrovert: This is the mother about whom movies are made. She’s a public entertainer, loved by the masses, but secretly feared by her intimate house partners and children. She’s the show biz or stage mom and is all about performing. She’s noticeable, flashy, fun and “out there.” Some love her but you despise the masquerade she performs for the world. You know that you don’t really matter to her and her show, except in how you make her look to the rest of the world.

The Accomplishment-Oriented: To the accomplishment-oriented mother, what you achieve in your life is paramount. Success depends on what you do, not who you are. This mom is about grades, best colleges and pertinent degrees. But… if you don’t accomplish what she thinks you should, she is deeply embarrassed and may even respond with fury and rage.

The Psychosomatic: The psychosomatic mother uses illness and aches and pains to manipulate others, to get her way, and to focus attention on herself. She cares little for those around her. The way to get attention from this kind of mother is to take care of her. This kind of mother uses illness to escape from her own feelings or from having to deal with difficulties in life. You cannot be sicker than she. She will up the ante.

The Addicted: A parent with a substance abuse issue will always seem narcissistic because the addiction will speak louder than anything else. Sometimes when the addict sobers up the narcissism seems less but not always. The bottle or drug of choice will always come before the child.

The Secretly Mean: The secretly mean mother does not want others to know that she is abusive to her children. She will have a public self and a private self, which are quite different. These mothers can be kind and loving in public but are abusive and cruel at home. The unpredictable, opposite messages to the child are crazy-making.

The Emotionally Needy: While all narcissistic mothers are emotionally needy, this mother shows the characteristic more openly than others. This is the mother you have to emotionally take care of which is a losing proposition to the child. The child’s feelings are neglected and the child is unlikely to receive the same nurturance that he or she is expected to provide for the parent.

If your parent had some of the above traits, it is important to note that they were not born that way. They likely had their own insurmountable barriers to receiving love and empathy when they were children. This does not take away your pain. We cannot ever condone child abuse. But, this knowledge does help accomplish a deeper understanding.

If your mirror is empty and your childhood lacked in proper nurturing, remember as an adult that recovery is the answer. It is mostly internal work that must be done. The healing five-step recovery model is outlined in Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Once we understand, we can move forward and build an internal mother who is always there when you need her. Unlike the narcissistic mother who is always there when she needs you.

Big Grinn

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You know that feeling when you just want to sit and grin from ear to ear…and then you realise that you are actually doing it and the guy in the car next to you is clearly thinking you must be “special” because you are most probably looking like a dufus. Yip, that was the start to my day 🙂

I do feel cheerfully happy this morning. The weather in Cape Town looks a little glum but not even that can take the spring out of my step. Both my girls received awards at school yesterday for culture and reflecting on everything they do and have done, I feel so proud. They are beautiful, intelligent and talented. What more can a mother ask for. I absolutely loved school…nerd I know, but I really did. The simplicity of it was blissful. The friends were sometimes forgettable, sometimes not. The boys were all still skinny and cute. Most of the teachers were fun and playfully strict. School was great.

The girls started at a new schol this year due to our move, but they are blossoming. It is just such a great feeling knowing that I don’t have to worry about them too much. They are diligent  and really give me so many reasons to be proud.

Sigh, so yeah…there is that dorky grin again… I just can’t help myself.

Home sweet home

HOme sweet home

Wow, i can’t believe i last blogged in June. This year has whizzed by. It seems most of May till July has been a bit of a blur. We have had so many changes in our family. New house, new puppy, all with it’s own challenges. The new house has been a big one. After a very eventful and exciting Christmas, we happened on a little add for a little house for sale, that we thought seemed a little interesting… the rest is now history mixed up somewhere in the blur.

Our house hunting needs were great, we needed 5 bedrooms to accommodate all the kids and definitely needed a bigger kitchen. So we get to this house.. run down and grimy and all we see is potential 🙂 I must say not a lot of people could see it, but we had a plan… So we put in an offer, and wha la– home owners.

The exciting bit was something very far in the future as we knew we had to build one or 2 walls, convert 2 rooms and revamp what we were left with. It was a hectic start to a very exciting end that is still looming closer but not quite reached yet. We worked every night for weeks to get it habitable. This is no joke, when we moved in the house was left in such a grimy mess it had a few self sustaining Eco systems of it’s own. But a few bottles of bleach and lots of scrubbing and it looked a little better.

Just before we moved we got a new puppy and added that in the mix. Between the training and the constant playing there was much to adjust to :). Between renovations, the kids and Lilly (the pup) we have been super busy. It’s been really challenging. Around every corner we saw something new that had to be fixed or revamped. Definitely our little house of horrors. I must say we have done a surprising amount of work and it has completely transformed the previously old, grimy, dated house into a little place we now call home. 🙂

We still have lots to do, but in time it will get done. i will post some before and after pics of the transformation soon 🙂