Star light … star bright

The night sky is filled with dead stars
Sparkling lights remain as scars

Whispers of beauty that once burned bright
Shiny shadows that no longer hold light

Trapped in darkness for all to see
Wishing their shadows will be set free

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Darkness

For darkness is as it always is…
You cannot be touched by it an remain untainted

The fear it once instilled might slumber but you know it’s there waiting to awake

For there are worse things than death

Lost where you don’t belong

Reading through my other blog I so miss the annonimity this one used to have. This used to be my place, my spot where I was not judged for the words that encapsulated my every emotion.  Nothing I loved is as it used to be, not even my blog. Everything is new, judged daily, hearing nastiness from those you need desperate support from.

It’s easy to judge a person’s character,  their mothering skills, comment on how miserable they are and that nothing will make them happy.  Standing on the opposite side thinking they are self centered is easy to do when you are happy and content.

Like I said in my new blog, one of the many new things I have but don’t want, you cannot pour from an empty cup.

Maybe,  just maybe there is just no room to consider anyone else when you are so focussed on just not self destructing . You might think that selfish but the choice is that or way worse. When every day from dusk till dawn and spurts in between is all just mammoth moments of “just get through it”.

And yes, do me a favour and please do not comment or speak your concern. I just don’t care.. At all.

It is what it is..

The thing about silence is it makes you think.. It serves as time to reflect. When nothing can deafen out any other sounds….these are the moments I struggle with most.  The moment where I find myself looking at photos of family like a psycho stalker..taking in the detail, desperately trying to not miss everyone so much.

I would give anything to hug my dad, to feel his beard scratch my face, to hear the distortion of his hearing aid against my ear when he hugs me 😢… And smell my mom and feel her all soft and warm in an embrace.

The list is just endless. Finding yourself in an absolutely beautiful place does not replace another beautiful place… I so miss home and work. My friends at work are all pregnant, I hate that I will miss that. My baby sister is getting married in the New year and it breaks my hart that I will miss it.

Starting a new life is challenging..  A word I have been using so often. Our kids are just so amazing and loving their new found freedom and safety.

I just miss my family and friends, my boozy book club, my beautiful house and my dearest Lily.

People judge so quickly when they hear you are taking your pet with you to wherever it is you are going,  but all I want to do is squish her face and rub my hands through her hair.

Sigh, it has been so challenging. People keep asking how you are doing and the generic response applies..”great thanks”…but all you want to do is stay in bed and mourne the people you miss so much.

Seeing as I can not have my family,  all I want is my dog..and enough money for unbelievably large quantities of wine and at the moment I have neither and prospects are just not looking on the up and up to have either any time soon.

Is that just too much to ask for?