Same same but different

Gosh, what a shitty day.

My baby sis is in hospital with a blood clot on her lung… pregnant after much difficulty, making treatment somewhat challenging. It’s been on my mind constantly and made today tough to get through.

I have been feeling very depressed lately, missing out on family things and home, last week was a real tipping point.

Went to a new chiro today. Turns out I have a few things going on…Piriformis syndrome, Thoracic Outlet Syndrome and Upper crossed syndrome…sounds like magic spell names 😊. Finally explains the shoulder pain, numb arm, lower back pain, headaches, difficulty breathing, muscle weakness, fatigue and overall super bitchy grumpiness. At least I wasn’t having a heart attack even though it felt like it Lol. On the scale of what is considered normal range of motion, mine was below half and I have practically no pulse on either side when putting my arms out to the side. Riveting stuff I tell you!

After embarrassing myself with some involuntary tears, the poor chiro guy apologised and sent me on my way. So drugged up and a glass of wine later, I feel a fraction closer to normal. Not happy, but almost normal.

Now all I need is to get some news my sister is healthy and ok.

Home

Golden sunshine rising in all it’s glory
Beautiful African sun
Deprived to see it and tell the story
For fear of staring down a loaded gun

Deepest blue oceans with whitest waves
Beautiful African waters
Violence leading to too many graves
Saddened by unnessesary slaughters

Wild life and culture like no other
Beautiful African life
Family killing brother on brother
Husband killing his wife

Mountains forming a wonderous landscape
Beautiful African wonders
Mouths silenced and covered by tape
Fear filled sky of thunders

Sancturay exceptional in so many ways
Beautiful African home
Unsafe so no one stays
Escaping to a foreign dome

For Africa runs deep in these veins
Engraved in all that we are
Missing the beauty and empty plains
Longing to not be so far

Home is where the heart is

Today I am feeling homesick… It’s difficult to explain. Just desperately need something familiar. I’m going to be an auntie, maybe the thought that I am missing out on so many things that are so important to me, makes me feel this way. Questioning if it is all worth it…the constant hard work, the worry, the tremendous sacrifice.

Keep it simple

My mom’s birthday has come and gone, along with another father’s day. This year was a bit better, maybe it’s in part because I know I will see them in a couple of months…

Drove home tonight and finally sent my baby sister a voice note. I don’t do too well with Skype… seeing family and not being able to touch them is still too hard. Got home feeling exhausted and saw a message.

In that moment where I heard her message…and voice, I felt like I just wanted to be home. To go home and just sit and have a glass of wine with my mom and relax. No pressures to do more or do better or to move house or to stay or too make friends or or or…

Just something simple.

2018 Bring it..

As always … time to reflect. I haven’t blogged much this year. I have read only 2 books and both were online… and I only read it purely to make improvements for my career. Career.. another thing I started new this year. New job, new people.. I must admit it has been my best experience since our move to New Zealand. I have met a variety of people and they have been amazing, best off all I have a super nice boss. Nice.. hmmm .. a word I have always told my girls to avoid. “Use your words” my saying to them to use any other words to express an emotion or feeling other than “nice”. Have to work on avoiding that one. #1stnewyearsresolution

I still find the holidays challenging. I admit we spent this Christmas with some Kiwi’s and it was my favorite but still have to fight through the holidays. What can I say, I’m a little attached to the family back home in SA.

Friends.. well now, I don’t commit myself to relationships easily. With our residency pending I might explore this option in the New Year, for now I prefer to be guarded as not making friends mean not losing friends either.

I know,  I know…Such a Debbie Downer. But then I do have my moments of brilliance and extreme happiness. As I see it, until those dissapear, I’m still OK.

Things to be grateful for…
* Seriously amazing fur baby
* Husband, he is pretty cool.. might keep him
* Kids… let me think… hmmm… well … they   are sort of cute, might be successful… lol, no seriously, 4 Good kids, what more can I want.
* Wine on demand.. if “on demand” qualifies as me asking for it and my husband filling my glass

New Year’s resolutions;
1. I vow to drink no more wine for the rest of the year.. wink wink, nudge nudge

2. I will try to join the gym.. emphasis on “try”

3. I want to lose some weight, want to… but realise that being realistic is more achievable, so might not.

4. I will bake more, which means I might drink more left over wine..

5. On a serious note, I want to try and trust more people.

6. I want to learn something new. I feel I do this every year anyway, but want to learn something challenging.

7. I want to be more patient… not like mental patient, more “chilled and patient” patient

8. I want to work on forgiving more… still a struggle, still need to do more.

9. I will not have OCD and will end this list at number 9. (Even though I technically listed another resolhtion earlier)

Sigh.. so let the count down begin…

Mulled wine sorbet recipe ready for tomorrow’s celebrations. Bubbly ready for tonight.. kids all dressed up and ready to go see some fireworks from the Sky Tower.

Happy New Year everyone!!

Keep it safe, keep it real

xxx