Steped up Step Mom

My girls have a new lady in their lives… On days like today where I scrutinize everything breaking it all down and questioning everything, I am once again reminded of the blessings that surround me regardless of everything else.

This lady is definitely one of them. My ex-husband’s new girlfriend. Reading all the fables and tales as young children, we are so indoctrinated with images of what we deem a step mom would be. My girls had all these fears of sprouting wings and poisoned apples.. Lol, not literally, but it came down to it that no step mom would ever be good.

I remember my initial discussions with them about the topic and all the reassurance they needed. Today I feel reassured, I know when they are not with me they are in good hands. I’m a paranoid mom, I worry about everything…too little sunblock, too much sugar, too little food, too much swearing, too little discipline, too much discipline, lunch boxes, extra clothes, outings, a safe driver driving my girls around… I worry about everything! It’s terrible worrying about your child’s safety and welfare if you cannot control it.

Knowing they are safe and well looked after leaves me breathing a little easier.

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Wedding Bells…

Van Gogh said: “Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence.”

My friend’s widower father is getting married again, so preparations are very slowly getting under way. Googling for venues and ideas for flowers and so on, leaves me feeling an array of mixed emotions. Overwhelmingly excited to spend the day with them as they declare their devotion to one another and happy for the family for being blessed with such a great lady to be a part of their lives. I also have a feeling of sadness creeping in trying to get through the cracks, I can’t quite explain it. Maybe it’s a subtle reminder of a chapter in my life that is now closed and one where I failed so miserably, maybe it’s because it’s a chapter I know I’ll never again visit.

None the less, I remain excited for them, and can’t wait… Weddings are always so beautiful and leaves me pecking away the tears, because on that One day it seems like all your love is so unbelievably amplified, and there is nothing but you and your love and the invisible bonds created that bind you together surrounding you in bliss.

The Egyptians and Romans believed that a vital blood vessel ran between your ring finger on your left hand and your heart, so they named it “vena amori,” or “the vein of love.” Aaagh… So beautifully symbolic. Of course science has now proven otherwise, but the symbolism remains and this is why the tradition of wearing the wedding ring on that finger symbolizes eternal love.

With so many beautiful things and ideas to their disposal, I’m sure it’s going to be an absolutely beautiful day filled with new memories, family, laughter and eternal love…

Mortifing mosquitoes

Aaaagh yes, you know Summer is here when you wake up in the morning with mozzie bites adorning your body.

I honestly think it’s nature’s cruel way to punish us in small itchy doses! Like tiny midget flies, just as annoying with added sound effects, leaving an itchy aftermath. It’s strange how just when you dose off thinking of all things serene and wonderful you suddenly hear it…

Those tiny little midget insects from hell, announcing themselves in their very distinctive buzzing way. Always around your head, closing in on your ears just to make sure you can definitely hear them, and then they fly down and go bite you on your ass and ankles!

I hate it! Hate waking up with an itch in the middle of the night and even worse, I hate going to sleep with that all too familiar buzz around my head knowing with out a doubt that someplace, somewhere, sometime that night, they would strike!

You would think they would easily get their fill, but no, one bite is never enough…greedy little bloodsuckers must come back for seconds, and after that snacks and dessert. Big sigh…

Scratch…scratch…scratch…

Wish…Want…

So at last Christmas has come and gone. I must admit I’m glad it’s over. This was the first year I didn’t spend Christmas day with my girls and didn’t see my mom and dad.

Seeing as the girls had to go to their dad’s, we opted to do everything we usually do on Christmas day on Christmas eve. My dad put up lights as usual for the girls and everyone tried to be in the festive spirit. My daughter turned 10 on Christmas day. I only briefly saw my girls Christmas morning before dropping them at their dad’s.

I woke with a heavy heart and the trip to their dad’s was agonizingly painful. I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. My youngest daughter didn’t say a word for the entire trip and saying goodbye was heartbreaking. I know it’s only for a couple of days, but it makes no difference.

I ended up spending Christmas with friends and had absolutely amazing food and dessert, but I could not shake the feeling of sadness I felt the entire day. It’s truly emotionally draining to feel so overwhelmed by it. I so missed my girls.

Christmas held no surprises, I didn’t have a Christmas list, but did wish for one or two things. Wishes don’t come true though, and this year mine left me disappointed … Sigh

I’m dreading 2013, I’m hoping it will be a better year than the current one.

Cheerio Cheer?

With Christmas creeping closer, I feel like there is an invisible rubber band slowly constricting tighter around my body robbing me of precious air. I have always loved the festive season. I love the smells and aromas of good food that tingles your taste buds, the smells of all the familiar people you get to see and hug and share the festive cheer with, as well as the smell of all the decorations making their appearance after an entire year of slumber.

This year however I will have no tree to put up, no decorations to dust off and hang on the branches, frankly I feel as if I have lost my christmas cheer. This year has been challenging, I have come to know so many emotions I have not felt before. With my divorce also not yet finalized I feel there are so many loose ends that remain unresolved keeping my year in a mess.

I know Christmas is not about gifts and all that, but I do feel burdened by the thought that I cannot spoil my girls like before or give them a huge tree to enjoy. Christmas day is also my daughter’s birthday which adds another band to my already very constricted chest. She so desires to have a party before school breaks up in 3 weeks. Turning ten is a big thing for her… what to do … what to do … Sigh.

This will most definitely be a challenging Christmas. I keep reminding myself that I still have so much to be grateful for regardless of all that has happened this year. I cannot possibly sit back and allow myself any self pity, it will be so pathetic. I have thought of some ideas on how to spend the school holiday with my girls constructively. We might not have a tree, we might not have lots of gifts, but we do have each other and for that I’m utterly grateful, and somehow I’ll make it work. Perhaps with a few creative ideas we’ll spruce up the bland walls a bit, and who knows, we might even conjure up a tree 🙂