Only two days left of September. I could not be happier that this month is finally coming to an end. It’s the month I started dating my ex, the month we got married and years later the month the girls and I moved out and the month we started divorce proceedings.
There were a few contributing factors that made this month particularly difficult. For one I had to phone my mom on her wedding anniversary, a date we use to share, and wish her without bursting into tears. I had to live through the many regrets I have and will always have. Then there was the wedding of my friend’s dad. With every dress I sewed I cried, with every thought of beautiful vows and flowers and happy wedding bliss, I was filled with sadness. I loved being apart of it all, but the constant reminder that I will never have that again was painful.
I know with my history I can’t expect any man to want to marry me, and be burdened with my children. I hate compromise, I did it for 15 years so I am selfish. I want what I want, but still I find myself at the precipice of another spell of way too much compromise and it infuriates me. I hate excuses, I try not to make them, and despise receiving them in return. You want something or you don’t, compromising on your choice of pudding will leave you satisfied with the dessert, but unfulfilled because you didn’t have exactly what you wanted.
I have been left damaged by my previous relationship, everyone is left with scars and damaged at some point, the fact that people use this as their excuse is what upsets me most.
Sigh, you reach a point in life where you know you can compromise and be happy with apple pie, but you also know you’ll be completely fulfilled and in absolute bliss having the chocolate mousse you actually want. So should you rather skip having apple pie and wait till you can have chocolate mousse? Surely then the people insisting on apple pie can have just that and in their own right be fulfilled, and you can end up having chocolate mousse with someone that wants chocolate mousse and also be fulfilled.
So is it really worth going through life being happy but not fulfilled?
On Tuesday night we had our book club end of year dinner at my friend Andra’s house. She is an amazing hostess and anything held there is always guaranteed to be absolutely fabulous!
With the food being a surprise and promises of great dessert, I so looked forward to the evening. So after filling a glass with some very matured glorious red wine, I went to have a peep at the table…
Heaven!! Sushi for starters!!! I felt as excited as Charlie in a chocolate factory. Andra’s brother owns Bella Belotta, a restaurant in Wellington Road Durbanville, and they make the most amazing sushi! One of my favorites, the Jerry special is a must have. What I also love about their sushi is that the pieces are bite size… Still a mouth full of sushi gloriousness, but not chipmunk mouthfuls 🙂 I love that!
So after having way too much sushi, we had gourmet burgers for a main and then the dessert. Oh my chocolate happiness, she made salted caramel and chocolate genache with chocolate dirt and a salted caramel macaroon on vanilla mascarpone … Yummmilicious – big BIG GRINN 🙂
I was in heaven!! What a great night with the girls. Thank you my friend!!! It was absolutely amazing!! xxx
Last night snug in bed I reflected back on what has undoubtedly been the most difficult past year of my life. I had to make some very difficult decisions and choices. Made some really bad mistakes. Hurt people. Disappointed people.
And then I thought…
It has been a difficult road, but my decisions ultimately define me. My choices were not made without thought. When you know who you are as a person, you don’t need to explain every choice, or make excuses for every decision. The array of words used by people to express what they thought of my choices and my character would be perfectly suited for a roasting episode on TV.
Initially I felt hurt by the insulting words or the “it says so much about the person she is” kind of phrases, but I knew without any doubt, that the people who truly know me, know my essence as a person, they would eventually see past the cloud of words thrown around to give drama to my story.
Time has passed, I have had no need to explain, no need to contradict false truths, convenient lies. I’m surrounded by people who love me, who are true friends with no hidden agendas. People I can laugh with and be comfortable with. People that do not break others down, or gossip, or give snide remarks, or discuss others good fortune with disgust. There is something precious about the love, trust and unity of good friends and family.
I have been blessed with many new friends, many new experiences and new possibilities ahead. There are always days when it takes a little bit more motivation to get out of bed, but I know that today is precious and for living. That definitely makes getting out of bed much easier :).