Steps

It’s strange how experiences from the past can affect your views, or shape your fears. It’s difficult to not compare or judge or assume the worst just because you have become so used to certain things or so used to certain reactions.

I have come to realize that some things that are lost can indeed be found again. Sometimes the search takes time, and sometimes things find you without you searching for it.

Last year around this time I sat on the floor of my house with shards of glass surrounding me with every surface covered in broken pieces of pots and frames, filled with so much fear, with my chest so constricted that I felt I would never breathe again. As I sat there sobbing my only thought was to get up, to sweep up and get the house sorted before I pick my girls up from school. So that is what I did.

People say being selfish is easy, it’s not. My choices to be happy and fulfilled was selfish. It was also undoubtedly the single most difficult thing I have ever done. I will never forget those moments where I scooped up the broken pieces with the shards cutting into my hands. In those moments it wasn’t just about scooping up the broken glass, but I was scooping up the broken pieces of myself.
In those moments I felt so broken and lost that I could not imagine ever finding my way back to happiness. The road to where we want to go might not be planned out on a map, but finding the courage to start the journey is ultimately the first step. I’ve taken many steps, and look forward to many more.

I know that at the end of the day I’ll find my way, if not, it will find me.

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Excuses excuses

You can’t always make excuses. You’ll be stuck in emptiness leaving you wanting for happiness and fulfillment, but you’ll never get it. If your constant excuses or explanations are all you hide behind then that’s exactly where you’ll find yourself… Alone behind a screen. It’s become so easy for us to “explain” away our fears and insecurities that it is now commonplace. We don’t have to be honest, we can just be damaged and that should be deemed as enough explanation needed.

Why do we hide behind the words we cannot say? We’ve become such a polite society that there is no room for honesty. If you don’t like something, voice it. If you don’t love someone, tell them. Don’t blame your fears and insecurities, or being damaged. We are all damaged, we’ve all been hurt, betrayed, miss trusted… But what makes it so difficult to pull up those socks???!!! Why can’t we be adults, voice our fears, insecurities, worries etc, and then get on with life. Must everything always be on back order for one day, for one day when you are less damaged, more secure in a better place?

Saddest thing of all is that one day will come too late. People would not have stuck around, and you would be left with all those feelings and the inability to get over them will be all you have left to fill the void. Why give up people that would moves mountains for you? You’ll realize it way too late and ironically end up with someone that at best would move a little mole hill. Settling for that would be sad.

Don’t be ignorant of the things that are tangible and right in front of you for the taking… Remember what you do not grab, someone else will. Those lost opportunities will be your own cross to bear.

Everyone deserves what ultimately makes them happy and fulfilled. It’s not a compromise, if it was then it’s not worth it. You don’t compromise on happiness, or love, or friendship. It’s too priceless to settle for anything but what you really want!

Creative Bliss

As you know I’m interested in all things creative. I love to write, to paint and sew and read and do all those “arty farty” kinds of things. For some reason it raises eye brows, some people sum me up as uneducated or non ambitious, lazy even. I read a quote this morning saying “keep your nose in books rather than in other people’s business”, so true. I love reading. Fiction, true life, self help.. The genre is not really important, it’s more the information I take from what I read that matters to me most. I miss reading… Not that I don’t read at all, but I read quick blogs or info etc…I miss reading at least a book a week.

I usually read a whole lot more than what I have this last year, but in the relationship I find myself in, my reading time has changed to enjoying endless hours of conversation with a glass of wine 🙂 I’m not complaining at all though. I have an amazing friend and partner and I find myself lost in conversation with him so frequently that time with him never seems enough. I need a day between every one I have just to fit in more wonderful moments. I’m a very lucky lady 🙂

I have started a small business sewing little outfits for children, and I’m loving it and feel so fulfilled when I can use my creativity to make something from scratch. As far as books go, I need to start a new collection. I do so love sniffing out something new and exciting to read. After all, for the moment I can squeeze reading into other gaps of time in my day if it means I can cuddle and converse every night. Sigh, the best of both… Well the best of more than just both, the best of multiple things. Big smile. There is an endless amount of joy and wonder and fulfillment to be found in being blessed with a creative mind.

Spring Blooms

I have been looking forward to the Spring equinox finally arriving, knowing that scientifically the cold chill in the air has to turn itself into a warmer embrace.
This year Spring has so much more meaning to me, because as with the new summer air slowly creeping in and soft blooms appearing on previously bare branches, so I too feel new beginnings and promise of regrowth within my own personal life.

I adore flowers, and the colour and beauty captured within the soft petals. Flowers hold so much meaning… Silent words but yet so descriptive. Words of life, celebration, grief, condolences, joy, love… I love how it connects people, or allows you to have an entire conversation when you have no words, from a single flower to an entire bunch or beautiful arrangement.

There are extensive lists of flowers and their meanings, but in the end I think what matters most is just enjoying their beauty and spring fragrances. Here is a list of a few popular flowers and their meanings:

CARNATION (GENERAL) – Fascination, Woman Love

CARNATION (PINK) – I’ll Never Forget You

CARNATION (RED) – My Heart Aches For You, Admiration

CARNATION (PURPLE) – Capriciousness, Whimsical

CARNATION (SOLID COLOR) – Yes

CARNATION (STRIPED) – No, Refusal, Sorry I Can’t Be With You, Wish I Could Be With You

CARNATION (WHITE) – Sweet and Lovely, Innocence, Pure Love, Woman’s Good Luck Gift

CARNATION (YELLOW) – You Have Disappointed Me, Rejection

CHRYSANTHEMUM (GENERAL) – You’re a Wonderful Friend, Cheerfulness and Rest.

CHRYSANTHEMUM (WHITE) – Truth

CHRYSANTHEMUM (YELLOW) – Slighted Love

DAFFODIL – Respect, Regard, Unrequited Love, You’re the Only One, The Sun is Always Shining when I’m with You

DAISY – Innocence, Loyal Love, I’ll Never Tell, Purity

DANDELION – Faithfulness, Happiness

LILY OF THE VALLEY – Sweetness, Tears of the Virgin Mary, Return to Happiness, Humility, You’ve Made My Life Complete, beauty, gaiety

ORCHID – Love, Beauty, Refinement, Beautiful Lady, Chinese Symbol for Many Children, Thoughtful, Maturity, Charm

PETUNIA – Resentment, Anger, Your Presence Sooths Me

ROSE (BRIDAL) – Happy Love

ROSE (DARK CRIMSON) – Mourning

ROSE (PINK) – Perfect Happiness, Please Believe Me

ROSE (RED) – Love, I Love You

ROSE (THORNLESS) – Love at First Sight

ROSE (WHITE) – Innocence and Purity, I am Worthy of You, You’re Heavenly, Secrecy and Silence

ROSE (WHITE AND RED MIXED) – Unity, Flower Emblem of England

ROSE (YELLOW) – Decrease of Love, Jealousy, Try to Care

ROSES (Bouquet of Mature Blooms)- Gratitude

ROSES (Single Full Bloom) – I Love You, I Still Love You

SUNFLOWER – Pride, Sunshine

TULIP (GENERAL) – Perfect Lover

TULIP (RED) – Believe Me, Declaration of Love

TULIP (VARIEGATED) – Beautiful Eyes

TULIP (YELLOW) – There’s Sunshine in Your Smile

VIOLET – Modesty

VIOLET (BLUE) – Watchfulness, Faithfulness, I’ll Always Be True

VIOLET (WHITE) – Let’s Take a Chance

The most popular flowers are Roses, Chrysanthemum and Tulips. I however feel that Roses only rank first because it’s generally just more readily available and most people see it as a general good choice. I recently saw some lilac roses which was a refreshing change to the normal shades available. I love the structure of Tulips, firm and neat flowers that always looks like perfectly formed blooms.

Different flowers are also connected to star signs and even to your specific birth month, but I found these to be generic and more in relation to the colour of birthstones. None of the flowers connected to my birth month or to my star sign really hold any appeal to me. I suppose it all comes down to personal choice.

I think like most people I love Spring! I love that the temperature is just warm enough to make my skin feel glowing, but still cool enough to provide crisp cool mornings. I love that the fields are covered in wild daisy’s, and love the soft green of new summer grass starting to grow. Living close to the winelands, the additional beauty of the vineyards starting their regrowth is an added bonus.

I think I’ll take my girls to go and get a few seedlings so we can add a splash of color and play our part in celebrating Spring 🙂