Cheerio Cheer?

With Christmas creeping closer, I feel like there is an invisible rubber band slowly constricting tighter around my body robbing me of precious air. I have always loved the festive season. I love the smells and aromas of good food that tingles your taste buds, the smells of all the familiar people you get to see and hug and share the festive cheer with, as well as the smell of all the decorations making their appearance after an entire year of slumber.

This year however I will have no tree to put up, no decorations to dust off and hang on the branches, frankly I feel as if I have lost my christmas cheer. This year has been challenging, I have come to know so many emotions I have not felt before. With my divorce also not yet finalized I feel there are so many loose ends that remain unresolved keeping my year in a mess.

I know Christmas is not about gifts and all that, but I do feel burdened by the thought that I cannot spoil my girls like before or give them a huge tree to enjoy. Christmas day is also my daughter’s birthday which adds another band to my already very constricted chest. She so desires to have a party before school breaks up in 3 weeks. Turning ten is a big thing for her… what to do … what to do … Sigh.

This will most definitely be a challenging Christmas. I keep reminding myself that I still have so much to be grateful for regardless of all that has happened this year. I cannot possibly sit back and allow myself any self pity, it will be so pathetic. I have thought of some ideas on how to spend the school holiday with my girls constructively. We might not have a tree, we might not have lots of gifts, but we do have each other and for that I’m utterly grateful, and somehow I’ll make it work. Perhaps with a few creative ideas we’ll spruce up the bland walls a bit, and who knows, we might even conjure up a tree 🙂

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Spring Blooms

I have been looking forward to the Spring equinox finally arriving, knowing that scientifically the cold chill in the air has to turn itself into a warmer embrace.
This year Spring has so much more meaning to me, because as with the new summer air slowly creeping in and soft blooms appearing on previously bare branches, so I too feel new beginnings and promise of regrowth within my own personal life.

I adore flowers, and the colour and beauty captured within the soft petals. Flowers hold so much meaning… Silent words but yet so descriptive. Words of life, celebration, grief, condolences, joy, love… I love how it connects people, or allows you to have an entire conversation when you have no words, from a single flower to an entire bunch or beautiful arrangement.

There are extensive lists of flowers and their meanings, but in the end I think what matters most is just enjoying their beauty and spring fragrances. Here is a list of a few popular flowers and their meanings:

CARNATION (GENERAL) – Fascination, Woman Love

CARNATION (PINK) – I’ll Never Forget You

CARNATION (RED) – My Heart Aches For You, Admiration

CARNATION (PURPLE) – Capriciousness, Whimsical

CARNATION (SOLID COLOR) – Yes

CARNATION (STRIPED) – No, Refusal, Sorry I Can’t Be With You, Wish I Could Be With You

CARNATION (WHITE) – Sweet and Lovely, Innocence, Pure Love, Woman’s Good Luck Gift

CARNATION (YELLOW) – You Have Disappointed Me, Rejection

CHRYSANTHEMUM (GENERAL) – You’re a Wonderful Friend, Cheerfulness and Rest.

CHRYSANTHEMUM (WHITE) – Truth

CHRYSANTHEMUM (YELLOW) – Slighted Love

DAFFODIL – Respect, Regard, Unrequited Love, You’re the Only One, The Sun is Always Shining when I’m with You

DAISY – Innocence, Loyal Love, I’ll Never Tell, Purity

DANDELION – Faithfulness, Happiness

LILY OF THE VALLEY – Sweetness, Tears of the Virgin Mary, Return to Happiness, Humility, You’ve Made My Life Complete, beauty, gaiety

ORCHID – Love, Beauty, Refinement, Beautiful Lady, Chinese Symbol for Many Children, Thoughtful, Maturity, Charm

PETUNIA – Resentment, Anger, Your Presence Sooths Me

ROSE (BRIDAL) – Happy Love

ROSE (DARK CRIMSON) – Mourning

ROSE (PINK) – Perfect Happiness, Please Believe Me

ROSE (RED) – Love, I Love You

ROSE (THORNLESS) – Love at First Sight

ROSE (WHITE) – Innocence and Purity, I am Worthy of You, You’re Heavenly, Secrecy and Silence

ROSE (WHITE AND RED MIXED) – Unity, Flower Emblem of England

ROSE (YELLOW) – Decrease of Love, Jealousy, Try to Care

ROSES (Bouquet of Mature Blooms)- Gratitude

ROSES (Single Full Bloom) – I Love You, I Still Love You

SUNFLOWER – Pride, Sunshine

TULIP (GENERAL) – Perfect Lover

TULIP (RED) – Believe Me, Declaration of Love

TULIP (VARIEGATED) – Beautiful Eyes

TULIP (YELLOW) – There’s Sunshine in Your Smile

VIOLET – Modesty

VIOLET (BLUE) – Watchfulness, Faithfulness, I’ll Always Be True

VIOLET (WHITE) – Let’s Take a Chance

The most popular flowers are Roses, Chrysanthemum and Tulips. I however feel that Roses only rank first because it’s generally just more readily available and most people see it as a general good choice. I recently saw some lilac roses which was a refreshing change to the normal shades available. I love the structure of Tulips, firm and neat flowers that always looks like perfectly formed blooms.

Different flowers are also connected to star signs and even to your specific birth month, but I found these to be generic and more in relation to the colour of birthstones. None of the flowers connected to my birth month or to my star sign really hold any appeal to me. I suppose it all comes down to personal choice.

I think like most people I love Spring! I love that the temperature is just warm enough to make my skin feel glowing, but still cool enough to provide crisp cool mornings. I love that the fields are covered in wild daisy’s, and love the soft green of new summer grass starting to grow. Living close to the winelands, the additional beauty of the vineyards starting their regrowth is an added bonus.

I think I’ll take my girls to go and get a few seedlings so we can add a splash of color and play our part in celebrating Spring 🙂

I have lost my words….

I find myself searching…

I’m searching for the words I so desperately need to express what I feel, or to explain the things that I can’t to the people I love… But I have lost my words…

I feel a desperate desire to reach for the nearest thesaurus to try and find descriptive words that I can attach to the emotions rippling through every fiber of my body, but I know that even if I did this, my search will yield no results. No resolutions will be found in the hundreds of pages of this one descriptive book that always seem to have several descriptions for every single thing imaginable.

I think my problem is that I don’t know what exactly to search for… For even the word I need to reference eludes me.

I have no reprieve for the tormenting inner argument I’m currently having within myself. There are moments in one’s life where you are so terribly torn between choices… Choosing to keep several people happy regardless of your own inner happiness… Or making a conflicting decision to be selfish in order to find that inner happiness 😦

People have the perception that being selfish is an easy action… But I find it excruciatingly difficult, especially when it involves so many people in our lives for whom we care. The one characteristic that is clearly interweaved into the fibers of selfishness is loneliness… Because once you have finally gathered the courage to make a conscious decision to be selfish, you find yourself feeling very much alone.

It’s a loneliness like no other, not soothing and quiet… Not restful and serene… But one where sadness seems to drown in tears and where you feel the fibers of your heart slowly ripping apart.

I have made a choice, a selfish one… And what makes it so hard to explain is my loss of words. Some things just cannot be expressed through the words I hold in my vocabulary.

I remain searching… I’ll find the words I need, to bring resolution, acceptance, love, inner peace… Hopefully once I have found them I can write a sensible blog post and explain, ask forgiveness, express love

The Thought of you Grown

The thought of you grown

Oh how my heart aches to think of you grown
To think of you married, or living alone
To think of you working hard every day
To think of you having to say your own say
To think of you sad and filled with sorrow
To think of you worrying over the next tomorrow
To think of you having to pay your own bills
To think of you cleaning up your own spills
To think of you shopping with your own little list
To think of all the moments that I will miss

Does my heart ache from the thought of you grown?
As tears fill my eyes and sorrow my heart
I realize that the thought that is causing me pain
Is the thought my dear daughters of us being apart

Addictively Craving

I have come to the conclusion that I have an addictive personality. Actually, I think I have come to this conclusion several times before, but I really only now truly feel ready to accept it.

I honesty find it so very difficult to refrain from indulging in all the things I love. My addiction definitely ranges between all things delectably delicious right through to non edible but still soul satisfying things.

I have been fighting against my insatiable craving for all things chocolate and have actually been doing very well!! 🙂 I have had some chocolate, but not every day, and not for breakfast ;).

This last week I have been craving anything containing some form of processed sugar cane and cocoa beans…. Sigh…. Chocolate mouse filled with microscopic bubbles of air making it smooth and foamy. I love the feeling of gliding my spoon through the firm yet unbelievably soft decadence, feeling my lips envelop the yummyness, tasting the deeply satisfying sensation of chocolate deliciousness. Yummm

I also crave caramel treat.. I did have some left over after filling a cake, but that little bit just made me want more! Lots more, gloriously golden sweet spoonfulls of pleasure.

Another thought consuming deliciousness that I desperately want is cinnabons. I had one for lunch the other day, but still want more gloriously soul satisfying deliciousness … Cinnamon combined with a soft doughyness, topped with melt-in-the-mouth cream cheese icing. BIG sigh!!

So reflecting on all my recent cravings I have come to the conclusion that I’m undoubtedly addicted… To anything that makes my mouth tingle with delight and awakens all the sensations within my taste buds that scream out with pleasure whenever they come into contact with anything delectable.

Sigh… So whilst my last block of chocolate melts away in my mouth, I feel satisfied with my acknowledgment of my addictions. After all, isn’t the first step to recovery admitting you are addicted? 😉