Almost 10

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So June marks my baby girl’s birthday… Double figures.. BIG sigh. It’s strange how she seems so little but so big at the same time. Suddenly her legs seem to be endless and she has been growing at at rate that would put the best genetically modified vegetables to shame.

Double figures… Finally turning 10. Her birthday marks the point in my life where I will never again have a child that is young enough to be in the range of 1 to 9.

I feel a sense of loss. She will always be the baby, but it is still so final. She has been studying for her first exam that starts tomorrow. Big kid stuff, long gone are the small tests. The pictures of stick men and big yellow sunshines in the corners of a page has turned into intricate family portraits.  Smelling nice now dominates over the musky smell of a dirty todler. Pink lips and perfect hair has taken the place of uncombed messy bed hair.  Sigh, how things change

I don’t feel entirely ready to give over to the changes and looking at the other 3 older kids it is definitely getting harder seeing them all grow up so fast and becoming more independent. Yip this mom will definitely suffer from empty nest syndrome when it arrives.  For now at least they still demand to be tucked into bed and I still get to do their hair… It’s the little things.

The six Faces of Maternal Narcissism

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I have been doing a lot of reading on abuse, neglect, divorce, parenting … basically everything I can get my hands on to try and understand the way certain people act the way they do,  how they rationalize things, how the justify their actions… also trying to understand my own reactions to certain situations etc.  I came across this article and found it very interesting, I always maintained that no matter what, everyone is ultimately accountable for their actions or inactions, no matter the background..

What does the empty mirror reflect for you?

“Published on March 14, 2011 by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. in The Legacy of Distorted Love”

The six faces of maternal narcissism are identified as: the psychosomatic, the addicted, the secretly mean, and the emotionally needy. A parent can be a mixture of these types and often that is the case. Although brief, the following will explain each type.

The Flamboyant-Extrovert: This is the mother about whom movies are made. She’s a public entertainer, loved by the masses, but secretly feared by her intimate house partners and children. She’s the show biz or stage mom and is all about performing. She’s noticeable, flashy, fun and “out there.” Some love her but you despise the masquerade she performs for the world. You know that you don’t really matter to her and her show, except in how you make her look to the rest of the world.

The Accomplishment-Oriented: To the accomplishment-oriented mother, what you achieve in your life is paramount. Success depends on what you do, not who you are. This mom is about grades, best colleges and pertinent degrees. But… if you don’t accomplish what she thinks you should, she is deeply embarrassed and may even respond with fury and rage.

The Psychosomatic: The psychosomatic mother uses illness and aches and pains to manipulate others, to get her way, and to focus attention on herself. She cares little for those around her. The way to get attention from this kind of mother is to take care of her. This kind of mother uses illness to escape from her own feelings or from having to deal with difficulties in life. You cannot be sicker than she. She will up the ante.

The Addicted: A parent with a substance abuse issue will always seem narcissistic because the addiction will speak louder than anything else. Sometimes when the addict sobers up the narcissism seems less but not always. The bottle or drug of choice will always come before the child.

The Secretly Mean: The secretly mean mother does not want others to know that she is abusive to her children. She will have a public self and a private self, which are quite different. These mothers can be kind and loving in public but are abusive and cruel at home. The unpredictable, opposite messages to the child are crazy-making.

The Emotionally Needy: While all narcissistic mothers are emotionally needy, this mother shows the characteristic more openly than others. This is the mother you have to emotionally take care of which is a losing proposition to the child. The child’s feelings are neglected and the child is unlikely to receive the same nurturance that he or she is expected to provide for the parent.

If your parent had some of the above traits, it is important to note that they were not born that way. They likely had their own insurmountable barriers to receiving love and empathy when they were children. This does not take away your pain. We cannot ever condone child abuse. But, this knowledge does help accomplish a deeper understanding.

If your mirror is empty and your childhood lacked in proper nurturing, remember as an adult that recovery is the answer. It is mostly internal work that must be done. The healing five-step recovery model is outlined in Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Once we understand, we can move forward and build an internal mother who is always there when you need her. Unlike the narcissistic mother who is always there when she needs you.

Birthday Tatts

Sooo, my birthday turned into a birthday weekend full of spoils. We spent most of the weekend with all our kids, sipping on wine and relaxing. As wonderful as it was, I was looking forward to my postponed birthday gift from my dearest 🙂

Wha laaa 🙂 🙂

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He went first … I considered chickening out, but mustered up enough oh-so-much-needed courage and after about 6 minutes I was branded for life 🙂  And YES YES, it did hurt! I am definitely not one for pain inflicted on purpose. Now it’s been about 3 days of healing, still looking a little bruised but healing well, so hopefully any discomfort and pain will soon be forgotten. I might opt for another one in future, but definitely not any time soon.

Can you relate?

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Ok so yes, to some degree a person could relate to someone else if they have experienced similar situations.  To some degree… But I get a little hot under the collar when people tell you they can relate, and “know how you feel” if they have never even once  been in remotely the same situation.

It is like those non parents that “relate” to your late night struggle with a sick child, or a child that keeps waking you at all hours of the night due to nightmares, making sleep impossuble.  Yeah, your late night partying or boozing or whatever.. NOT the same!

Or when you go through financial constraints and they know how “tough” it is because they could only buy one or two new outfits and their disposable income just doesn’t cover their dining out budget.  Yeah.. Not the same “feeling”…  At all.

Or the person that “understands” your frustrations with certain things, but has not even experienced a second of those frustrations…  Ever!

It’s a pathetic attempt for cheap conversation. There is nothing wrong with not being able to relate to someone’s situation or to what they are feeling. But there is something wrong with dismal irrelevancies and fake shows of support.