I have lost my words….

I find myself searching…

I’m searching for the words I so desperately need to express what I feel, or to explain the things that I can’t to the people I love… But I have lost my words…

I feel a desperate desire to reach for the nearest thesaurus to try and find descriptive words that I can attach to the emotions rippling through every fiber of my body, but I know that even if I did this, my search will yield no results. No resolutions will be found in the hundreds of pages of this one descriptive book that always seem to have several descriptions for every single thing imaginable.

I think my problem is that I don’t know what exactly to search for… For even the word I need to reference eludes me.

I have no reprieve for the tormenting inner argument I’m currently having within myself. There are moments in one’s life where you are so terribly torn between choices… Choosing to keep several people happy regardless of your own inner happiness… Or making a conflicting decision to be selfish in order to find that inner happiness 😦

People have the perception that being selfish is an easy action… But I find it excruciatingly difficult, especially when it involves so many people in our lives for whom we care. The one characteristic that is clearly interweaved into the fibers of selfishness is loneliness… Because once you have finally gathered the courage to make a conscious decision to be selfish, you find yourself feeling very much alone.

It’s a loneliness like no other, not soothing and quiet… Not restful and serene… But one where sadness seems to drown in tears and where you feel the fibers of your heart slowly ripping apart.

I have made a choice, a selfish one… And what makes it so hard to explain is my loss of words. Some things just cannot be expressed through the words I hold in my vocabulary.

I remain searching… I’ll find the words I need, to bring resolution, acceptance, love, inner peace… Hopefully once I have found them I can write a sensible blog post and explain, ask forgiveness, express love


I’ll love you untill the day I die..

Life is such a fragile thing. Beautiful, brilliant and brief. I fear death. Not my own…but I have an intense fear knowing that those whom I love won’t be around forever. I have a very irrational hope that everyone I know will somehow out live me, so that I never have to face a situation where I’m left with grief over their passing.

I love many people, but there is a handful of people whom I absolutely adore beyond comprehension, and just thinking of them being gone, creates a lump in my throat and makes my eyes well up with tears. I feel that there is no possible way that I’ll be able to cope with knowing I can’t see them or hug them, hear the sound of their voice, cherish them and love them.

My soul won’t be able to handle the grief of loosing my mom or dad, or my children, or my soul mate… It will undoubtedly shatter my heart into a million pieces that would never be able to heal.

I look at my mom, at her hands… Hands that nurtured and cared for so many people, skin now thinning, looking much frailer than 10 years ago. I watch my youngest daughter cuddle up on my dad’s lap… It used to be my most favorite place as a child. It held a sense of security and love.

I can’t imagine not seeing that or not being able to hug my mom or dad. Every time we visit, I make sure to get a hug, to smell how they smell, to take in as much visual memories as I possibly can. It’s the same with my girls. I think there is no greater sorrow than that of a parent that looses a child. I would never be able to bear it.

Then there is my soul mate. Trusted friend, confidant, loving partner, lover… You can be surrounded by people that care for you, but there is that one precious person that you love so very dearly.. And even when you are apart, you can sketch them visually down to the finest detail simply because you know every bit of their being so unbelievably well. You are so intertwined that your soul will be fractured if you should ever loose them.

I have not been made strong enough to deal with death… I hope I don’t have to deal with it for a very long time to come…

Friendship and Love


Two friends were walking down a road and saw a crossroad ahead in sight

As they reached it they saw; to friendship turn left, to love turn right

So the friends took hands and gave each other a deep and caring look

And to the right they decided, this is the road they took

Whilst walking along holding hands their love began to grow

But a slight few cracks of sorrow also began to show

One friend turned toward the other with eyes filled with glistening tears

I have looked upon you and cared for you for so very many years

But you are not mine to have so love for you I cannot feel

In time my friend I hope that the heartbreak and hurt will heal

But this is the part in the road we are on, that we have to split apart

I’ll cherish your love, remember your kisses and forever hold you in my heart

They gave each other one final kiss and said a sad goodbye

They turned and slowly walked away and silently they did cry

Letters to my invisable friends – Dear Fairy Godmother

Dear Fairy Godmother

Why can tears not turn back time? Imagine if they could, wouldn’t it be great?! Instead they are silent drops of hurt and despair. Shapeless and even though they seem clear, they are tainted with stress, worry, sorrow and regret.

Why can’t they be useful? I want my tears to be of some use, to bring relief, to ease my soul, to make me forget…. I want them to do something more than just be a reflection of feelings I would much rather not have. Why do we have the ability to cry if it is such a meaningless act? I hate how tears reflect a hidden inner weakness, how they remain long after they have dried. How they linger and reach so far down into your soul pulling at what hurts so very much.

Why …. Why why why!!!! Why do things happen that hold no hope or promise other than that of hurt that follow on sorrow’s heels?? Why do we make decisions that we know would undoubtedly leave us with regret? Why do we do things or say things we never should?

I hate that tears glisten when they serve no purpose of happiness… I hate that they bear silent witness… I hate that they communicate emotions and words that you want to trap forever!

I want them to help…and they are not! I want you to make them help!!
I want you to make them meaningful!!

Your friend in need

Fractured glass

Like fractured glass, ever beautiful always weak
With one push, one nudge, one word, it breaks….

A million little pieces floating about
Luminous, glorious bright
Filled with words, with love, with song, with light

Suddenly shattered, spread far apart
Torn from every inch of the heart

A million little pieces floating about
Dark and fearful, saddened, tearful
Filled with sorrow and sadness and doubt

A million little pieces floating about
Trying to be whole
But with one piece missing, so unbelievably impossible for the soul

A million little pieces forever to remain
Never whole, no more laughter,no more light
But sadness and tears, and doubt
Never to be, never again bright