I find myself searching…
I’m searching for the words I so desperately need to express what I feel, or to explain the things that I can’t to the people I love… But I have lost my words…
I feel a desperate desire to reach for the nearest thesaurus to try and find descriptive words that I can attach to the emotions rippling through every fiber of my body, but I know that even if I did this, my search will yield no results. No resolutions will be found in the hundreds of pages of this one descriptive book that always seem to have several descriptions for every single thing imaginable.
I think my problem is that I don’t know what exactly to search for… For even the word I need to reference eludes me.
I have no reprieve for the tormenting inner argument I’m currently having within myself. There are moments in one’s life where you are so terribly torn between choices… Choosing to keep several people happy regardless of your own inner happiness… Or making a conflicting decision to be selfish in order to find that inner happiness 😦
People have the perception that being selfish is an easy action… But I find it excruciatingly difficult, especially when it involves so many people in our lives for whom we care. The one characteristic that is clearly interweaved into the fibers of selfishness is loneliness… Because once you have finally gathered the courage to make a conscious decision to be selfish, you find yourself feeling very much alone.
It’s a loneliness like no other, not soothing and quiet… Not restful and serene… But one where sadness seems to drown in tears and where you feel the fibers of your heart slowly ripping apart.
I have made a choice, a selfish one… And what makes it so hard to explain is my loss of words. Some things just cannot be expressed through the words I hold in my vocabulary.
I remain searching… I’ll find the words I need, to bring resolution, acceptance, love, inner peace… Hopefully once I have found them I can write a sensible blog post and explain, ask forgiveness, express love