Walking on broken glass

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Trying to not dissapoint people is much harder than it seems. I am peering over the precipice of significant transformation and I am completely engulfed in the suffocating cloud of decisions and insecurities.

It is significant how you act or react when someone or something takes all possibility away from you. It almost confirms the tough choices you have to make are worth making. Like a thief in the night that robs you of what you love, what you hold dear, what you would miss… But being reassured that new and better things will replace all that has been lost.

I have tried to add value, I have tried to improve the quality of things.. We have tried, we have tried and we have failed. It is difficult being a supporter, it is even more difficult being a decider.

With so many things hanging in the balance the path is clear. It is lit by arrows showing the way. The difficulty lies in getting onto the path and moving forward in the direction of those arrows.

I was told recently by an “angel lady” a spiritual guide that she sees me constantly moving, that I need to just “go now”. That with the significant rebirth and transformation all will be in balance as it should be.

I have come to realise a few things…  Where he is..the love of my life..there I will be happy, even if that is worlds away…

I was meant to have 4 kids, that’s why God blessed me with them…

I love my dog and I need to have her with me even if it means that we will be seperated for a while…

I love my family.. I love my family….I love my family… They will all be fine

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My heart is not singing..much

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Do what makes your heart sing, your soul dance and keep you fulfilled right?  Yeah, it is so true. Having a very creative personality it is so difficult when you are constricted and unable to express yourself.  Of course I am realistic and I know life is what it is, and we can’t just dance in the rain and be free to do what we want, and I’m not at all unhappy with the things I do on a daily basis. It is the creative side in me that rebels and reminds me constantly that is is deprived of truely great moments of expression.

I have my moments where I feel so unbelievably restricted, and at times it can feel quite claustrophobic.. almost like I desperately need to come op for air just to find that it is a brief gasp. I never realised how important certain things are to me and what meaning they hold but as I’m growing older and exploring the aspects of my personality I realize more and more what it is I want, and what I crave to feel fulfilled. I know I’m ambitious, which in itself makes things difficult. I had so much to prove to some people, which I have done and have gone above and beyond the small goals I set for myself. I suppose it circles back to the fact that I have satisfied certain needs, and in the process I have greatly neglected to satisfy my creative needs.  I’m sure it is a very difficult concept for people who are not creative to grasp, but it really eats away at you, slowly but surely.

I have left work on so many nights determined to go home and do something creative, just to get there exhausted flopping down on the couch with very little in mind other than seeing the girls off to bed and going to bed myself. So what to do, how do you fill the empty gaps deprived of all the little pleasures you love in a world that is so unbelievably limited.

It feels like a curse, equipped with the desire to do so much but chained and unable to. At the moment I’m looking forward to a holiday that is already filled with so many mundane “have to do” tasks hoping there will be a few moments I can steal to be just me. If only I can refuel with a little bit of what I so desperately crave, then I can see another year through. If not, I’m sure it will be great, but my heart will only hum, and not sing again until it has been covered in paint stained brush strokes, or filled with the words of endless novels.

Hop, skip.. Tra-la-laa

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What a month! It has wizzed by. I’m completely exhausted with work and life taking it’s toll. In a great way though. It’s been busy but rewarding at the same time. I love a good challenge. Feeling overwhelmed with tasks I think I can’t get through just to prove to myself I could.  Work is amazing, and my personal life even more amazing.

There’s so many exciting things in the near future.  I yet again feel overwhelmed with all the planning required, but I’m also so excited that I want to burst.  Sigh…. Happy happy

Trust .. I think not

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Trust is such a fragile thing
difficult to share
it leaves you very vulnerable
exposed with what you bare

you put your faith in those very few
hoping that it will be fine
you share the things you never would
over a glass of ruby wine

and suddenly you see the colors as they are
on a day after you spoke
a spectrum you held dear and close
shattered as it broke

suddenly the question marks on why you’re not yourself
but yet you are yourself in every way
it’s just the trust that has disappeared
the trust that has gone away…

Day One

Today I officially start work. I have been a stay at home mom for so many years, but as a divorced mom of two the time has come to enter the work force.

I hardly slept this week stressed out about the new people, my girls having to adapt going to aftercare and so on. This morning when I woke up I rushed to get the girls ready for school and get myself to work on time so I didn’t have much time to spend stressing about the events of the upcoming day.

At least I arrived on time, was greeted by an array of very friendly faces and had a good cup of coffee. :). So now I’m sitting at my new desk with the lovely receptionist getting my stationary sorted, waiting to go into my first meeting.

I’m so relieved! Feel so comfortable with all the friendly people around me and looking forward to a very exciting first day and very many possibilities to follow 🙂