The journey starts

With my eldest daughter starting her first year at Uni this week and my youngest starting year 10, our conversations are often about direction and the future. Where they want to be, what they want to achieve and how they want to steer themselves in the right direction to get to their goals.

Something I often tell them in our discussions about friends or challenges, is to identify what they do not want, and what they do not like. It may seem somewhat negative, but I strongly believe that identifying what you do not like in any situation or in yourself, can help you to focus on what you do want to do.

Establishing your values, and knowing what your opinions are and having the conviction to stand by them. Entering the work force where focus is so centred on profit and performance, it could be challenging finding value in what you do every day. Work can become a soul draining experience to put food on the table.  

I want them to find their purpose, fail and try again, and fail and try again.. until they find their fire, and I want them to find a company to work for who’s values align with theirs. It pains me when people can’t see past their paycheck. You will always have that in any company, people being there just because they have to be. Frustratingly ignorant, complaining but never taking the time to ask the right questions. They don’t take the time to understand the corporate strategy, they don’t take the time to ask how decisions are made, they don’t ask about profit margins, have no idea of the growth strategy and where they fit in. 

I want my girls to question, to be curious and ask those questions. To go seek the value they can bring to any job they enter into after having knowledge of the company they have chosen. Knowing their purpose and knowing how they fit into the much bigger puzzle of adding value and service. I want them to work hard and be forward thinking. And most of all, I want them to be kind. Life will have many challenges and hard conversations. You don’t have to be an ass to get your way. People…all people, are valuable. 

There are too many people chasing a big paycheck and far too few people finding purpose and fulfillment in what they do. 

My wish for them is to live a life of purpose.

And so .. the first one’s journey begins.

Near impossible is still possible…

It’s been a while.. I usually blog when I need to release my unspoken words and emotions.

So much has changed…

I spoke to someone a couple of days ago about a past relationship and it stirred a few very hurtful memories. I got quite emotional reflecting on it and then in that moment I realised that some hurt takes a very long time to heal.

It can take a long time to build up what someone has broken down.

I had a lot to prove and I did. I had a lot to catch up on and I did.

Then a whole lot of good happened and my current husband and I moved countries. I met some good and horrible people along the way and then my husband gave me a little nudge. I ended up with a new job, surrounded by amazing people and best of all I have a great boss. He is super busy and I can’t quite understand why he takes time to help me develop the things I am interested in. I would hate to waste his time.

My courage and confidence fails me on most days, but hoping to get there in the end.

All in all, my ramblings are less because I have fewer of them. I want to focus on the future now. Learn. Grow. Lead.

I still have a lot to prove. Only this time it is proving it to myself and not to others.

Starting with my mid year goal. It’s near impossible but not unrealistic…I will judge myself again after this and see how it has gone.

The song goes… “steady feet don’t fail me know”.

Can I have a do-over week?

An awful lot of awful days seems to surround me at the moment. I just cannot seem to get those big girl panties on to get through it. Anniversaries used to fun. Birthdays use to be fun. Now they are reminders that leave me feeling like an emotional wreck.

I knew the 2 year mark was approaching with memories of my last visit and goodbyes with the family. I thought it would be better, reached a milestone after all… but no, no no no. Not better, it has filled my week with me feeling like a biscuit dunked in hot coffee left soggy and falling apart.

Along with the reminders of how much I miss everyone it has been a week of checking of the boxes. The milestones of where we have been and where we are going. I have always been a little impatient. Time to get back to “business as usual” is just taking too long. So it feels like a week of checking boxes of failures more than successes.

I get it, I know it’s been a big change, but it doesn’t make me in any less of a hurry. Two years and even in that time so much change. I like to make lists and check the boxes. Mitigate risk. Have clear direction of where I am going. I have a list, un-ticked boxes and still no clear direction of where I’m going or what I’m working towards. Sigh… risk seems to be the only thing I have mitigated well, but I’m at a point where I no longer want to take the most cautious approach. Maybe big risks will bring great reward.

I don’t know. What I do know is this week won’t be a good one to make important decisions.   I miss my family. I miss meeting my husband for lunch, I miss work, I miss painting, I miss being woken up early morning by my sister-in-law popping in with coffee.

Sigh. Next week will be better. Logically I can process the reality of that sentence. Emotionally I don’t understand it’s meaning.

My heart is not singing..much

thoughts

Do what makes your heart sing, your soul dance and keep you fulfilled right?  Yeah, it is so true. Having a very creative personality it is so difficult when you are constricted and unable to express yourself.  Of course I am realistic and I know life is what it is, and we can’t just dance in the rain and be free to do what we want, and I’m not at all unhappy with the things I do on a daily basis. It is the creative side in me that rebels and reminds me constantly that is is deprived of truely great moments of expression.

I have my moments where I feel so unbelievably restricted, and at times it can feel quite claustrophobic.. almost like I desperately need to come op for air just to find that it is a brief gasp. I never realised how important certain things are to me and what meaning they hold but as I’m growing older and exploring the aspects of my personality I realize more and more what it is I want, and what I crave to feel fulfilled. I know I’m ambitious, which in itself makes things difficult. I had so much to prove to some people, which I have done and have gone above and beyond the small goals I set for myself. I suppose it circles back to the fact that I have satisfied certain needs, and in the process I have greatly neglected to satisfy my creative needs.  I’m sure it is a very difficult concept for people who are not creative to grasp, but it really eats away at you, slowly but surely.

I have left work on so many nights determined to go home and do something creative, just to get there exhausted flopping down on the couch with very little in mind other than seeing the girls off to bed and going to bed myself. So what to do, how do you fill the empty gaps deprived of all the little pleasures you love in a world that is so unbelievably limited.

It feels like a curse, equipped with the desire to do so much but chained and unable to. At the moment I’m looking forward to a holiday that is already filled with so many mundane “have to do” tasks hoping there will be a few moments I can steal to be just me. If only I can refuel with a little bit of what I so desperately crave, then I can see another year through. If not, I’m sure it will be great, but my heart will only hum, and not sing again until it has been covered in paint stained brush strokes, or filled with the words of endless novels.