Haunted

I have had a great day…
One thing I can’t shake is the lady I met this morning.  I don’t know her name but I will not forget her sad face.

We met in the middle of the street…

My husband and I went to our additional job super early. I hate it, I hate having to get up early every Saturday..no chance to sleep in, tired,not in the mood… Arriving at work we saw her, sitting in the middle of the road.

My husband pulled over and we went to her to see what was wrong. “She fell”.. the guy standing by her said. I hunched next to her and asked what was wrong.  She was crying.

I remember thinking how she smelled like a baby, baby powder or talc, freshly washed hair, her skin freezing cold as I put my arm around her. It’s winter, it’s cold. I was freezing and I thought she must be so cold.

Asking her again, what’s wrong? Why are you in the middle of the road? 

“he left me..”… Sobbing

I asked her if we could take her somewhere and she said “I have nowhere to go”

I could see she was either homeless or very poor. She got up, said she’d be ok and walked to the side walk.

My husband and I left, my heart felt heavy. We got her a hot chocolate and a chocolate fish and went back to give it to her.. As we hugged, she sobbed and her eyes were filled with tears and heartbreakingly sad.

We left, finished off at work and carried on with our day. Our day of taking the girls for haircuts, taking our eldest daughter to have her hair done for ball. Making lunch, dinner….having a glass of wine.

And through it all I am haunted by her..her sad face. How quickly we get fed up and ungrateful. I am surrounded by people I love, have a nice house, have dinner and can give my kids what they need… This women has very little, was left by someone she loves , has no home.

I feel so sad thinking about her and her heartbreak. Her day started with tears, cold and alone..  And mine started with me resenting my early morning.

I had a great day, I have no doubt she had an awful one. I hope her heart is somewhat soothed and I hope she has a warm place to stay. She won’t leave my thoughts anytime soon, and the thought of what she is going through will make me reflect on my own ungratefulness.

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It’s been a while…


3 months to be exact, that’s if I believe my blog stats…I haven’t posted in a while not for a lack of words but a lack of time. 
Words never leave me. They always seem to fill my mind at night when I need them to be silent so that I can get some sleep. I don’t verbalise my thoughts to most people during my day, therefore my husband suffers with my ranting at the end of it. He hears all the words I selectively voice in my mind throughout my day and that I can only utter to him for understanding.

Words are so powerful, careful consideration should be given before letting them loose. I work in customer support and had a recent week filled with lashings from customers and service providers, worse of which was a swearing session directed at me about me wasting someone’s time after giving them a friendly call to update details that would only reflect good on them.

It’s moments like those where you question how a basic friendly answer is beyond some people and how little they care about the way they speak to another person.

One thing I have learned in the last year is that it takes more of you to be selective in your choice of words but you walk away with it knowing you have integrity and that you do not have to feel ashamed of how you treat other people. 

To some it’s not what you do that matters, it’s what you don’t do. Words come easy to them and leave them just as easily.

Last night my husband and I had a late night coming home and went to get take out for the kids for dinner. We were exhausted and just wanted to get home. The place we went to had a sudden rush of people and limited staff resulting in us waiting really long.

The staff were clearly swamped but friendly to everyone including irate customers. Leaving with melted slushies for the kids we were just happy to have been served.

Upon arriving home we noted we were given some free dessert for our wait. If anything I was just greatful for the friendly service. Words and how you treat people are so important. It teaches us not only about people but about ourselves.

To do list…survive another year

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Apparently it takes two years to adjust…twelve months seem like a really long time and it is.  a Year ago we were scrambling around getting all our things in order for our trip. It feels like it was just the other day. There are those moments where you so desperately miss family that it feels like forever, where the gap suddenly closes nearly shut and you remember the wave of emotions felt as if it was yesterday,  you realize just how long it has been and how far away you are from the familiar warm embraces that you loved and now miss.  It is surreal and you know it is not just a simple hop in the car and a drive down the road to go catch up.

I often check my Facebook and look at my nearby friends just to see that everyone I want to spend time with is 12000km away. I keep checking as if that gap would magically close and become smaller but it never does.  Meeting new people and seeing them on there does not quite help just yet. In our rush to get on with things, work and trying to balance several other things we find very little time to make new friends. I definitely miss having someone pop over for a glass of wine or visiting family. It is the single hardest thing to adjust to.

Sometimes you drive in your car and see someone that resemble somebody you know and for a split second you want to believe they are magically there but then you realise you are just being stupid and they are not. It is weird how you carry the smell of someone with you, you can’t smell them but you know their scent and you just want a hug and to be surrounded by the familiarity of that smell… the smell of mom or dad, the feeling of dad’s stubble against your cheek… I miss it, it’s hard.

My boss and her family moved here when she was my daughter’s age, I also work with her brother and he was only six when they moved. Listening to him speak about their experience gives me hope. They started over and they are fine, they are all well, seem like a lovely close knit family, successful with a bunch of gorgeous kids. I’m really hoping my kids will look back one day and feel that we did something good for them. I honestly hope I will look back and feel I did something good for me.

Hopefully we will make some friends along the way and hopefully I can sip a glass of wine with a good friend that will get me and laugh at my stupid jokes. For them moment I do not feel feel like celebrating the last year that has passed.

The facade

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Significant moments of change are definitely not as exciting as they seem at first glance. You find yourself going through the motions, moving from one step to the other autonomously.  It’s moments of “just get through this hour… just get through this day… just get through this week”.  At night you sigh with the notion that sleep is in sight, you have barely finished releasing that breath of utter relief and then it starts all over again. The next day, the next moment…

I can’t say I live for weekends, they are fleeting and time is spent hovering around in the seconds they encapsulate trying to desperately get everything that was neglected through the week back on track and up to date.

Maybe it is just the overwhelming sense of time lost and the limitation of not having enough time to just breathe and be that is so overwhelmingly daunting.  The notion that you have no choice other than accepting the limitations you are bound by and allowing yourself to go with it. To give in to all that you don’t want for yourself, allowing adulthood to swallow your dreams of balance and creative expression. You are expected to leap over the edge and accept the fate that is yours.  In light of your frustrations you are judged and friendly encouragement from others slowly nudges you closer to where they expect you to  just fall so that your silence can be music to their ears.

Moments of reflection give you brief perspective and makes you realize that it has been written on the path of so many others before you and you should just blend yourself into the mass of other colors that end up being a dull pool of grey. Maybe once you have snubbed the overly ambitious dreams and have ridden yourself of all color you can just melt into the cesspool of all that is normal. Maybe this acceptance will lead to a false sense of joy and achievement because in light of you letting go of all that defines you as a person, you no longer feel that it is a significant loss.

 

Uniquely you

oscarwilde_beyourself_featured
One And Only You
Every single blade of grass,
And every flake of snow—
Is just a wee bit different …
There’s no two alike, you know.
From something small, like grains of sand,
To each gigantic star
All were made with THIS in mind:
To be just what they are!
How foolish then, to imitate—
How useless to pretend!
Since each of us comes from a MIND
Whose ideas never end.
There’ll only be just ONE of ME
To show what I can do—
And you should likewise feel very proud,
There’s only ONE of YOU.
That is where it all starts
With you, a wonderful
unlimited human being.
James T. Moore