3 months to be exact, that’s if I believe my blog stats…I haven’t posted in a while not for a lack of words but a lack of time.
Words never leave me. They always seem to fill my mind at night when I need them to be silent so that I can get some sleep. I don’t verbalise my thoughts to most people during my day, therefore my husband suffers with my ranting at the end of it. He hears all the words I selectively voice in my mind throughout my day and that I can only utter to him for understanding.
Words are so powerful, careful consideration should be given before letting them loose. I work in customer support and had a recent week filled with lashings from customers and service providers, worse of which was a swearing session directed at me about me wasting someone’s time after giving them a friendly call to update details that would only reflect good on them.
It’s moments like those where you question how a basic friendly answer is beyond some people and how little they care about the way they speak to another person.
One thing I have learned in the last year is that it takes more of you to be selective in your choice of words but you walk away with it knowing you have integrity and that you do not have to feel ashamed of how you treat other people.
To some it’s not what you do that matters, it’s what you don’t do. Words come easy to them and leave them just as easily.
Last night my husband and I had a late night coming home and went to get take out for the kids for dinner. We were exhausted and just wanted to get home. The place we went to had a sudden rush of people and limited staff resulting in us waiting really long.
The staff were clearly swamped but friendly to everyone including irate customers. Leaving with melted slushies for the kids we were just happy to have been served.
Upon arriving home we noted we were given some free dessert for our wait. If anything I was just greatful for the friendly service. Words and how you treat people are so important. It teaches us not only about people but about ourselves.
Oh how we laugh at the silly ways
Of silly people and silly days
Bad language and grammar we tisk about
We are in no need of those and can go without
Swopping stories from ages ago
We finally understand and now we know
No need to pretend we can just have fun
Happy family days in the sun
We shop and have our funny talks
And care not for those who comment on our funny walks
We go for a beer or drink a glass of wine
And stop after one and that’s just fine
We don’t have to be cool and go to a club
We stay home and laugh and fashion some grub
Our kids play outside and laugh as they go
We see them happy and that’s all we need to know
We’ll grow old together and go shop for better bra’s
Our husbands will rub our old feet at the spa’s
But until the day we are old and grey
I have just one little thing to say
We’ll laugh and giggle and love until we are blue!
Nothing else matters, that’s truer than true!
I find myself searching…
I’m searching for the words I so desperately need to express what I feel, or to explain the things that I can’t to the people I love… But I have lost my words…
I feel a desperate desire to reach for the nearest thesaurus to try and find descriptive words that I can attach to the emotions rippling through every fiber of my body, but I know that even if I did this, my search will yield no results. No resolutions will be found in the hundreds of pages of this one descriptive book that always seem to have several descriptions for every single thing imaginable.
I think my problem is that I don’t know what exactly to search for… For even the word I need to reference eludes me.
I have no reprieve for the tormenting inner argument I’m currently having within myself. There are moments in one’s life where you are so terribly torn between choices… Choosing to keep several people happy regardless of your own inner happiness… Or making a conflicting decision to be selfish in order to find that inner happiness 😦
People have the perception that being selfish is an easy action… But I find it excruciatingly difficult, especially when it involves so many people in our lives for whom we care. The one characteristic that is clearly interweaved into the fibers of selfishness is loneliness… Because once you have finally gathered the courage to make a conscious decision to be selfish, you find yourself feeling very much alone.
It’s a loneliness like no other, not soothing and quiet… Not restful and serene… But one where sadness seems to drown in tears and where you feel the fibers of your heart slowly ripping apart.
I have made a choice, a selfish one… And what makes it so hard to explain is my loss of words. Some things just cannot be expressed through the words I hold in my vocabulary.
I remain searching… I’ll find the words I need, to bring resolution, acceptance, love, inner peace… Hopefully once I have found them I can write a sensible blog post and explain, ask forgiveness, express love
Veiled behind dark eyes the sorrow of what remains forbidden
Unsaid words that will never be spoken and forever remain hidden
Never knowing forever longing
In silence and tears half broken-hearted
Wishing paths could combine and not be parted
Tormenting dreams haunting, the message rings clear
Nothing more to be said, no words to hear
As endless as the infinite sky a lingering feeling remains
Better by far to forget and clear this soul of stains.