I’ll love you untill the day I die..

Life is such a fragile thing. Beautiful, brilliant and brief. I fear death. Not my own…but I have an intense fear knowing that those whom I love won’t be around forever. I have a very irrational hope that everyone I know will somehow out live me, so that I never have to face a situation where I’m left with grief over their passing.

I love many people, but there is a handful of people whom I absolutely adore beyond comprehension, and just thinking of them being gone, creates a lump in my throat and makes my eyes well up with tears. I feel that there is no possible way that I’ll be able to cope with knowing I can’t see them or hug them, hear the sound of their voice, cherish them and love them.

My soul won’t be able to handle the grief of loosing my mom or dad, or my children, or my soul mate… It will undoubtedly shatter my heart into a million pieces that would never be able to heal.

I look at my mom, at her hands… Hands that nurtured and cared for so many people, skin now thinning, looking much frailer than 10 years ago. I watch my youngest daughter cuddle up on my dad’s lap… It used to be my most favorite place as a child. It held a sense of security and love.

I can’t imagine not seeing that or not being able to hug my mom or dad. Every time we visit, I make sure to get a hug, to smell how they smell, to take in as much visual memories as I possibly can. It’s the same with my girls. I think there is no greater sorrow than that of a parent that looses a child. I would never be able to bear it.

Then there is my soul mate. Trusted friend, confidant, loving partner, lover… You can be surrounded by people that care for you, but there is that one precious person that you love so very dearly.. And even when you are apart, you can sketch them visually down to the finest detail simply because you know every bit of their being so unbelievably well. You are so intertwined that your soul will be fractured if you should ever loose them.

I have not been made strong enough to deal with death… I hope I don’t have to deal with it for a very long time to come…

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As I peer over the ledge

As I peer over the ledge of heaven
I wonder what I’d see
Would your eyes be glistening
Filled with tears for me?

As I peer over the ledge of heaven
I wonder if your love was true
and every time you think of me,
Will you miss me too…

As I peer over the ledge of heaven
I wonder if you remember my embrace
the tender hugs and kisses
Now filled with empty space

As I peer over the ledge of heaven
I wonder about the good days and the bad,
Filled with all the love we shared
and all the fun we had

As I peer over the ledge of heaven
I wonder if on this day
You’ll sit pondering all the things you
never got to say

As I peer over the ledge of heaven
I’d hope to see you smile
And see the sunrise in your eyes
I’d sit and watch you for a while

As I peer over the ledge of heaven
I hope to see you loved
With laughter and with happiness
And my silent kisses from above

A lifetime of seasons

Dirty and barefoot she sat under an ancient oak tree. Autumn leaves falling like snowflakes forming a golden carpet of warmth. Watching people pass by… always rushing, with no patience, not a moment to stop or to lend aid. She felt so lost and alone.

Then, through golden sunlight she sees him in the distance. He is standing by a glorious elfin barberry bush. The tiny leaves all smothered in silver-frosted blue-black berries…the remnants from the previous yellow orange spring blossoms. She always loved the barberries, if only he would pick a few and bring them to her. He turns toward her and stares blankly… She so longed for even a brief conversation or a simple, gentle touch. His face with porcelain completion a sight she has grown so accustomed to.

Slowly he turns away, heartbreakingly as he has done every day…she waits…
In his hand a beautiful bunch of glorious barberries, but he doesn’t bring them to her. Her silent tears fall and create freckled spots on the autumn leaves that turn bronze and withers slowly away. Maybe tomorrow.

She lookes down at her bare feet, gently she tries to remove some of the dirt, but it remains. She runs her fingers through her tangled matted hair, she desperately tries to smooth it, but to no avail. Silently she cries….

Sunlight filters through the luscious green leaves of the ancient oak. She lookes up at the barberry bush. There he stands, like always beautiful. But today he lookes different, there are lines of sorrow on his face, of longing. His hair is streaked with shimmering silver. The barberry bush is blooming with buds, he picks a few nestled in between protective thorns. He turns towards her. Why does he not come to her…he hesitates a moment, but turns around and walks away.

Her longing is unbearable. She closes her eyes…so tired…but she cannot rest, she wonderes if she will see him again. Maybe tomorrow.

As she gazes up he is standing at the elfin barberry bush. It is covered in berries, glorious and beautiful. He carefully picks a bunch. Slowly he turns…he starts walking towards her. Her heart leaps. She stands and runs her fingers through her hair, it is smooth under her touch. She looks down at her feet, they are clean. He takes her hand and silently smiles…this was always their most favorite spot. She takes the barberries from him, her soul is once again whole…and he is once again at her side, as he was in life, now in death.

Missing You

As tears fill my eyes and sorrow my heart
I think of the time we have to spend apart
A soft laughter a slight sigh
Signs of fatigue and wanting to cry
Strong to the world you tried to appear
Weak and vulnerable when I was near
A secret special bond we had formed
With laughter and love beautifully adorned.
Another birthday you have been gone
Painful to bear and feeling regretfully wrong
Wishes for you to get better not granted
But pain free and laughing as I would have wanted
Mommy you were the sweetest pleasure
And in my heart will remain a treasure

Missing you

Mommy
I miss you so much. It feels like a plaster has been ripped off leaving me with a open wound. I can’t sleep as thoughts of you are filling my heart.
I can still hear your laughter and your cries. I remember how sad and tired you used to be and how you would still try and clean the house you stayed in at the time… I remember how I used to come and we would tidy together and hang out the washing. How I wish that we could do that just once more.
I remember how you cried when I came to fetch you for your chemo…it killed me inside having to force you to go.
I remember the passage of the chemo ward and the smells. I remember how you would grab my arm the closer we got to the door, I remember your pleas and sobs before having to go in.
I sat crying in the waiting room knowing how much you hated being there. I hope you can forgive me, I just wanted you to get better.
I regret leaving you to stay with your son, he didn’t take care of you. Your last year was miserable, I’m sorry mommy…I should have done something.
I will never forget hearing you were in hospital. You looked so frail,it broke my heart. I begged God to make you better and was so cross with Him when he didn’t.
I remember how you held my hand and tried to tell me something…what did you want to say??
Your last words to me was forgive me I’m sorry… For what mommy, I don’t understand.

I miss you so much, I hope you are well and singing again just like you wanted to.
Love always
Your daughter in law xx