An awful lot of awful days seems to surround me at the moment. I just cannot seem to get those big girl panties on to get through it. Anniversaries used to fun. Birthdays use to be fun. Now they are reminders that leave me feeling like an emotional wreck.
I knew the 2 year mark was approaching with memories of my last visit and goodbyes with the family. I thought it would be better, reached a milestone after all… but no, no no no. Not better, it has filled my week with me feeling like a biscuit dunked in hot coffee left soggy and falling apart.
Along with the reminders of how much I miss everyone it has been a week of checking of the boxes. The milestones of where we have been and where we are going. I have always been a little impatient. Time to get back to “”businesses as usual” is just taking too long. So it feels like a week of checking boxes of failures more than successes.
I get it, I know it’s been a big change, but it doesn’t make me in any less of a hurry. Two years and even in that time so much change. I like to make lists and check the boxes. Mitigate risk. Have clear direction of where I am going. I have a list, un-ticked boxes and still no clear direction of where I’m going or what I’m working towards. Sigh… risk seems to be the only thing I have mitigated well, but I’m at a point where I no longer want to take the most cautious approach. Maybe big risks will bring great reward.
I don’t know. What I do know is this week won’t be a good one to make important decisions. I miss my family. I miss meeting my husband for lunch, I miss work, I miss painting, I miss being woken up early morning by my sister-in-law popping in with coffee.
Sigh. Next week will be better. Logically I can process the reality of that sentence. Emotionally I don’t understand it’s meaning.
Holidays always make me home sick. It’s not just about missing family as such but missing the memories and traditions that have been apart of me for 37 years, 14 of those share with my children.
You can try and fill the gaps to suplement the “loss” but it just cannot be done. You can’t make up for things shared over a life time.
I’ve been having a lot of ” it takes 2 years” moments of late. All entirely and directly connected to the fact that I miss my family and the traditions shared, the people that surrounded me for 37 years. I want to walk into my mom’s lounge, find my dad asleep in his favorite chair, my mom snuggled in her chair with some craft in hand. I want my dad’s coffee and one of the many deserts my mom whips up in seconds when asked.
I don’t want chocolate for easter, I want my mom and dad.
Is there an Easter Bunny big enough to bring me that..
Apparently it takes two years to adjust…twelve months seem like a really long time and it is. a Year ago we were scrambling around getting all our things in order for our trip. It feels like it was just the other day. There are those moments where you so desperately miss family that it feels like forever, where the gap suddenly closes nearly shut and you remember the wave of emotions felt as if it was yesterday, you realize just how long it has been and how far away you are from the familiar warm embraces that you loved and now miss. It is surreal and you know it is not just a simple hop in the car and a drive down the road to go catch up.
I often check my Facebook and look at my nearby friends just to see that everyone I want to spend time with is 12000km away. I keep checking as if that gap would magically close and become smaller but it never does. Meeting new people and seeing them on there does not quite help just yet. In our rush to get on with things, work and trying to balance several other things we find very little time to make new friends. I definitely miss having someone pop over for a glass of wine or visiting family. It is the single hardest thing to adjust to.
Sometimes you drive in your car and see someone that resemble somebody you know and for a split second you want to believe they are magically there but then you realise you are just being stupid and they are not. It is weird how you carry the smell of someone with you, you can’t smell them but you know their scent and you just want a hug and to be surrounded by the familiarity of that smell… the smell of mom or dad, the feeling of dad’s stubble against your cheek… I miss it, it’s hard.
My boss and her family moved here when she was my daughter’s age, I also work with her brother and he was only six when they moved. Listening to him speak about their experience gives me hope. They started over and they are fine, they are all well, seem like a lovely close knit family, successful with a bunch of gorgeous kids. I’m really hoping my kids will look back one day and feel that we did something good for them. I honestly hope I will look back and feel I did something good for me.
Hopefully we will make some friends along the way and hopefully I can sip a glass of wine with a good friend that will get me and laugh at my stupid jokes. For them moment I do not feel feel like celebrating the last year that has passed.
Reading through my other blog I so miss the annonimity this one used to have. This used to be my place, my spot where I was not judged for the words that encapsulated my every emotion. Nothing I loved is as it used to be, not even my blog. Everything is new, judged daily, hearing nastiness from those you need desperate support from.
It’s easy to judge a person’s character, their mothering skills, comment on how miserable they are and that nothing will make them happy. Standing on the opposite side thinking they are self centered is easy to do when you are happy and content.
Like I said in my new blog, one of the many new things I have but don’t want, you cannot pour from an empty cup.
Maybe, just maybe there is just no room to consider anyone else when you are so focussed on just not self destructing . You might think that selfish but the choice is that or way worse. When every day from dusk till dawn and spurts in between is all just mammoth moments of “just get through it”.
And yes, do me a favour and please do not comment or speak your concern. I just don’t care.. At all.