Keep it simple

My mom’s birthday has come and gone, along with another father’s day. This year was a bit better, maybe it’s in part because I know I will see them in a couple of months…

Drove home tonight and finally sent my baby sister a voice note. I don’t do too well with Skype… seeing family and not being able to touch them is still too hard. Got home feeling exhausted and saw a message.

In that moment where I heard her message…and voice, I felt like I just wanted to be home. To go home and just sit and have a glass of wine with my mom and relax. No pressures to do more or do better or to move house or to stay or too make friends or or or…

Just something simple.

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2018 Bring it..

As always … time to reflect. I haven’t blogged much this year. I have read only 2 books and both were online… and I only read it purely to make improvements for my career. Career.. another thing I started new this year. New job, new people.. I must admit it has been my best experience since our move to New Zealand. I have met a variety of people and they have been amazing, best off all I have a super nice boss. Nice.. hmmm .. a word I have always told my girls to avoid. “Use your words” my saying to them to use any other words to express an emotion or feeling other than “nice”. Have to work on avoiding that one. #1stnewyearsresolution

I still find the holidays challenging. I admit we spent this Christmas with some Kiwi’s and it was my favorite but still have to fight through the holidays. What can I say, I’m a little attached to the family back home in SA.

Friends.. well now, I don’t commit myself to relationships easily. With our residency pending I might explore this option in the New Year, for now I prefer to be guarded as not making friends mean not losing friends either.

I know,  I know…Such a Debbie Downer. But then I do have my moments of brilliance and extreme happiness. As I see it, until those dissapear, I’m still OK.

Things to be grateful for…
* Seriously amazing fur baby
* Husband, he is pretty cool.. might keep him
* Kids… let me think… hmmm… well … they   are sort of cute, might be successful… lol, no seriously, 4 Good kids, what more can I want.
* Wine on demand.. if “on demand” qualifies as me asking for it and my husband filling my glass

New Year’s resolutions;
1. I vow to drink no more wine for the rest of the year.. wink wink, nudge nudge

2. I will try to join the gym.. emphasis on “try”

3. I want to lose some weight, want to… but realise that being realistic is more achievable, so might not.

4. I will bake more, which means I might drink more left over wine..

5. On a serious note, I want to try and trust more people.

6. I want to learn something new. I feel I do this every year anyway, but want to learn something challenging.

7. I want to be more patient… not like mental patient, more “chilled and patient” patient

8. I want to work on forgiving more… still a struggle, still need to do more.

9. I will not have OCD and will end this list at number 9. (Even though I technically listed another resolhtion earlier)

Sigh.. so let the count down begin…

Mulled wine sorbet recipe ready for tomorrow’s celebrations. Bubbly ready for tonight.. kids all dressed up and ready to go see some fireworks from the Sky Tower.

Happy New Year everyone!!

Keep it safe, keep it real

xxx

Can I have a do-over week?

An awful lot of awful days seems to surround me at the moment. I just cannot seem to get those big girl panties on to get through it. Anniversaries used to fun. Birthdays use to be fun. Now they are reminders that leave me feeling like an emotional wreck.

I knew the 2 year mark was approaching with memories of my last visit and goodbyes with the family. I thought it would be better, reached a milestone after all… but no, no no no. Not better, it has filled my week with me feeling like a biscuit dunked in hot coffee left soggy and falling apart.

Along with the reminders of how much I miss everyone it has been a week of checking of the boxes. The milestones of where we have been and where we are going. I have always been a little impatient. Time to get back to “business as usual” is just taking too long. So it feels like a week of checking boxes of failures more than successes.

I get it, I know it’s been a big change, but it doesn’t make me in any less of a hurry. Two years and even in that time so much change. I like to make lists and check the boxes. Mitigate risk. Have clear direction of where I am going. I have a list, un-ticked boxes and still no clear direction of where I’m going or what I’m working towards. Sigh… risk seems to be the only thing I have mitigated well, but I’m at a point where I no longer want to take the most cautious approach. Maybe big risks will bring great reward.

I don’t know. What I do know is this week won’t be a good one to make important decisions.   I miss my family. I miss meeting my husband for lunch, I miss work, I miss painting, I miss being woken up early morning by my sister-in-law popping in with coffee.

Sigh. Next week will be better. Logically I can process the reality of that sentence. Emotionally I don’t understand it’s meaning.

Easter wishes

Holidays always make me home sick. It’s not just about missing family as such but missing the memories and traditions that have been apart of me for 37 years, 14 of those share with my children. 

You can try and fill the gaps to suplement the “loss”  but it just cannot be done. You can’t make up for things shared over a life time. 

I’ve been having a lot of ” it takes 2 years” moments of late. All entirely and directly connected to the fact that I miss my family and the traditions shared, the people that surrounded me for 37 years.  I want to walk into my mom’s lounge, find my dad asleep in his favorite chair, my mom snuggled in her chair with some craft in hand. I want my dad’s coffee and one of the many deserts my mom whips up in seconds when asked.

I don’t want chocolate for easter, I want my mom and dad. 

Is there an Easter Bunny big enough to bring me that..