I try

For TC:

We were put together for a reason, even if we cannot see.
It’s a card that life has dealt and connected we’ll forever be

I can no longer teach you or help you to grow.
Can’t brush your hair or tie your laces in a bow.

But I promise to always do the best I can do
I’ll be there to console you when you feel blue

I’ll stop and listen when you’re feeling low
Because I care so very much,
I can’t just let it go.

I’ll cook your meals, treat your colds or just go with you for a walk
I’ll be there when you’re hungry or lonely or just want to talk

I’ll give my heart, my time and love
Even if I’m last on your list and everything else is above

I’ll make sure your birthday is one special day
Please know you’re thought of often in a very special way.  

Even when you do or say something that injures my feelings
Just keep in mind that I hurt while I’m healing

I hope deep down inside you’ll know how much I really care
And if you ever need me I promise to be there

Broken promises

As grown-ups we can so easily rationalize things. We are mature enough to understand certain situations, and that some things or people are more important or get preference.

Kids however cannot grasp these concepts. They simply see things as black and white and sometimes their view on things can make us wonder, and re-think previously easily-accepted situations.

Tonight I found myself in a situation where I had to explain things to my daughter, her very basic questions had me thinking…she has a point… Then my rational mind would step in and try to convince my emotional mind that yes… Things haven’t happened because other more important things has to happen… But then my rational mind conflicts with itself questioning the importance of these events preceding the importance of what she asked for, and weighing up the two, I find her needs important and the other needs not.

I find myself so emotionally conflicted and hurt at the same time. I’m angry at myself for not fulfilling her and her sisters needs, I have no one to blame for putting them last on the list as everyone else has their own stuff to sort out and worry about. They are fundamentally my girls, no matter how much I would love people to take them into consideration more, it won’t happen.

Uugh!! I’m so saddened and frustratingly angry with myself! I want to give them all they need and want, and what is worse is that they don’t even ask for a splinter of what other children ask for, but yet, their few requests have not been fulfilled. I just want them happy and comfortable.

I feel so handicapped by my inability to do that for them. 😦 I can’t stand it, I have to do something, no one else will.

Big sigh

Wish…Want…

So at last Christmas has come and gone. I must admit I’m glad it’s over. This was the first year I didn’t spend Christmas day with my girls and didn’t see my mom and dad.

Seeing as the girls had to go to their dad’s, we opted to do everything we usually do on Christmas day on Christmas eve. My dad put up lights as usual for the girls and everyone tried to be in the festive spirit. My daughter turned 10 on Christmas day. I only briefly saw my girls Christmas morning before dropping them at their dad’s.

I woke with a heavy heart and the trip to their dad’s was agonizingly painful. I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. My youngest daughter didn’t say a word for the entire trip and saying goodbye was heartbreaking. I know it’s only for a couple of days, but it makes no difference.

I ended up spending Christmas with friends and had absolutely amazing food and dessert, but I could not shake the feeling of sadness I felt the entire day. It’s truly emotionally draining to feel so overwhelmed by it. I so missed my girls.

Christmas held no surprises, I didn’t have a Christmas list, but did wish for one or two things. Wishes don’t come true though, and this year mine left me disappointed … Sigh

I’m dreading 2013, I’m hoping it will be a better year than the current one.

Smile and wave

It is the season to be jolly…. Hmmmm nope, I think not.

Pondering over some thoughts this last week, I have come to realize that sometimes you really need to wake up, breathe in deeply and accept things for what they are and people the way they are. I told my friend this morning that I am at a selfish point in my life where I don’t want to take a step back, and where I don’t want to be super considerate. For once, just for once, I want to be considered first, or deemed of high enough importance that what I think or feel matters… Even in the smallest, remotest possible way.

Sadly that the harsh fact remains that it just won’t be that way for me. I understand with my current circumstances, the this and the that are going through a rough time… I get it, be accommodating, be super duper understanding… But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could say ” hey, I’m kinda going through a bad time also…a little consideration would be appreciated”

I know, I’m super selfish, trust me, I’m really working on it… Trying to just do what I do best, do what I have done for so many years and take a step back… Be considerate and accommodating, smile and wave. It’s just so unbelievably difficult to do when those steps back or considerations really tear at your heart. I hate feeling a sense of continual loss… Like the feeling that you are holding onto something, regripping the entire time, but yet still loosing your hold. Feeling like you are grasping at something that is not entirely yours, and will never be.

I feel like a child being told to share and not wanting to. Sharing your entire life sometimes gets you to a point where you just want to have your toys all to yourself. Sigh…. I know, I know… Pointless hormonal ramblings 😦

I also realize that I have come to a point in my life where I put very little value into words. Most are spoken but not meant. They have become so robotic or automated in a sense, a general response. It frustrates me so!

I do so wish Christmas would fly past. Feeling at the precipice of tears continually does not leave me excited about it at all. There is absolutely nothing, no gift that could lift my spirits this year, not even if the planets all suddenly started spurting signs of life and aligning in cute formations… Nothing!

The Thought of you Grown

The thought of you grown

Oh how my heart aches to think of you grown
To think of you married, or living alone
To think of you working hard every day
To think of you having to say your own say
To think of you sad and filled with sorrow
To think of you worrying over the next tomorrow
To think of you having to pay your own bills
To think of you cleaning up your own spills
To think of you shopping with your own little list
To think of all the moments that I will miss

Does my heart ache from the thought of you grown?
As tears fill my eyes and sorrow my heart
I realize that the thought that is causing me pain
Is the thought my dear daughters of us being apart