Tiny grains of sand

Failure – a word I dread. One, that given the choice, I would happily omit from any dictionary. I have always feared failure and yet always felt as if it has been something I do, or something that follows me around with tentacles creeping up at me trying to get hold and strangle me.

When I was younger I diligently did all that was asked or expected of me. Gave my 110% … I remember the feelings I had when test results were handed out. No matter how well I did, I never felt proud, never felt a sense of achievement. It was always a case of “if only”. If only I managed to get those few marks… If only… Even on tests where I received full marks, I still always felt that it was just ok. Never great, just ok.

All I wanted to do in life was to make my parents proud. I got married very young and had my girls at a fairly young age as well. This year has been filled with so many personal challenges for me. It’s a strange feeling maturing into the person you strive to be. I have struggled for years with so many inner demons.

Always trying to please, to be the perfect wife, daughter, mother. Somewhere along the line I completely lost sight of the fact that I stopped being who I am. I lost sight of what I needed and what fulfilled me as a person.

When my youngest daughter was eight months old I felt I needed to divorce my husband… There where so many things, the small things, tiny things… But a whole lot of tiny grains of sand end up giving you endless beaches… That’s what happened, I ended up on a vast desolated beach, alone and broken.

As a wife I always felt the need to protect the image of my husband, the father of my children. My fear of failure also played a tremendous roll in me deciding to stay married. I thought I was irrational, just had a baby a few months earlier, blamed hormones for my feelings. My husband always insisted I stay home to raise our girls, so being financially dependent on him also made it extremely difficult for me to leave.

I did not want to fail, I did not want to disappoint my family. Constantly living with someone that would give you anything you asked for seems ideal… But sometimes what you need from someone cannot be replaced by gifts or things. In my eleven years of marriage my husband gave me one complement without me having to ask for it. I remember it so vividly only because it shocked me so completely.

He never physically abused me, it was the moments where an argument arose or a little tiff, and he would end up using harsh words telling me to be quiet, or else.. Or ” just leave me”, or else. Living with a constant fear where you would rather avoid saying your say, and always backing down in every confrontation. It’s like taking a small chisel and slowly breaking down pieces of a wall. Initially the wall stands firm, but eventually the structure is so weakened that it crumbles and breaks.

I used to never be able to go have coffee with a friend or even a family member without knowing I’ll get home and I’ll have to face a super grumpy husband because I left him alone for an hour. Even though he said I could go, there it was when I returned home… That all to familiar attitude drowning me in guilt.

Not having my opinion valued was also a constant. It’s not a big thing, but sometimes you want to feel considered, and you want to feel that your view of something counts. You don’t want to hear that you are stupid, or that you are pathetic.

My husband was never hands on around the house. We did some extensions to our house years ago. I remember sitting in my new dining room with the mitre box sawing the skirtings for the dining room crying, not because I couldn’t do it, but because my hands hurt and I wanted him to do it. My dad ended up helping me put them in as I just didn’t have enough physical strength to hammer them onto the wall. I helped my dad tile our patio, put all the windows in our french doors, siliconed the bathroom, painted… Nothing I would ever mind doing, but all I wanted was for him to care enough to do it for me, or at the very least to just acknowledge that I did it and say thanks. Not to walk in and point out what still needs to be done.

I don’t consider myself overly emotional, but I had days or moments where I would cry and he would be home. All I wanted was a hug, just a hug and to be told all will be fine, but I didn’t get that. I got the “it’s pathetic to cry” attitude. So in time I had to almost schedule my emotional moments for when I was alone. I avoided crying in front of him altogether.

My husband has a way of twisting words. I would say something, and he’ll recount what I said to someone and say something entirely different.. And always in a negatively different way. I hated it, I asked and pleaded him to stop doing it. He used to embarrass me with his account of what “I said”, and would even go as far as to tell people things I never said. It was utterly frustrating.

My husband also used to use me for any excuses he had to make. If someone wanted to come over and he didn’t feel in the mood, it would always be because I didn’t want visitors, or I didn’t like this or that. I hated that he couldn’t take responsibility for anything and just passed it along to me.

There were so many more little things.. Not helping me with the girls, the insults, the harsh words, the treats. Intimate things I could never blog about

Like I say… Tiny grains of sand…

It became a part of my life and enveloped me so completely, that I ended up thinking it’s normal. It’s something I became complacent with. I ended up so lost within the daily routine of having to live the roll I had in life.

And then I woke up one morning, and realized I had a reason to live, realized I can feel happy and fulfilled… And that reason gave me strength to stand up and make a decision.

That’s what I did.. I chose.. I chose to get divorced. This is just the start of my story, my way to vent … To document the change I consciously chose to make.
There is so much more to my story… But for now I’ll leave it for another sleepless night.

Seeing as morning is only 3 hours away, I think I’ll try and get some sleep…

I’ll love you untill the day I die..

Life is such a fragile thing. Beautiful, brilliant and brief. I fear death. Not my own…but I have an intense fear knowing that those whom I love won’t be around forever. I have a very irrational hope that everyone I know will somehow out live me, so that I never have to face a situation where I’m left with grief over their passing.

I love many people, but there is a handful of people whom I absolutely adore beyond comprehension, and just thinking of them being gone, creates a lump in my throat and makes my eyes well up with tears. I feel that there is no possible way that I’ll be able to cope with knowing I can’t see them or hug them, hear the sound of their voice, cherish them and love them.

My soul won’t be able to handle the grief of loosing my mom or dad, or my children, or my soul mate… It will undoubtedly shatter my heart into a million pieces that would never be able to heal.

I look at my mom, at her hands… Hands that nurtured and cared for so many people, skin now thinning, looking much frailer than 10 years ago. I watch my youngest daughter cuddle up on my dad’s lap… It used to be my most favorite place as a child. It held a sense of security and love.

I can’t imagine not seeing that or not being able to hug my mom or dad. Every time we visit, I make sure to get a hug, to smell how they smell, to take in as much visual memories as I possibly can. It’s the same with my girls. I think there is no greater sorrow than that of a parent that looses a child. I would never be able to bear it.

Then there is my soul mate. Trusted friend, confidant, loving partner, lover… You can be surrounded by people that care for you, but there is that one precious person that you love so very dearly.. And even when you are apart, you can sketch them visually down to the finest detail simply because you know every bit of their being so unbelievably well. You are so intertwined that your soul will be fractured if you should ever loose them.

I have not been made strong enough to deal with death… I hope I don’t have to deal with it for a very long time to come…

The Silence of Water

I have a terrifying, numbing fear of drowning. I have never had any fond connection to great bodies of water. I adore the ocean and can sit for hours gazing at the soothing ripples and the waves breaking on goldenly grainy shores, and the sound of waves breaking always leave me with a remnant calm and ease in my soul.

I however have absolutely no desire to immerse myself in the ocean. I don’t swim very well and besides the water that seems to want to swallow me into it’s depths, the thought of slimy, scaly covered fish being in very close proximity to any part of my skin, makes me feel an overwhelming sense of dread.

I do swim though, but never alone. I feel very safe when my husband is around, he is an excellent swimmer and I usually use him to bob me around in the water a bit. Swimming pools are just as bad, I feel much more at ease, but when a lot off people jump in and splash about, I do feel a bit overwhelmed and stressed.

This morning I took a glorious soak in a wonderfully fragrant bubble bath. I only had a few hours sleep and had to get up very early to finish a cake that I had to do for a birthday. My entire body felt bruised and sore and immersing myself in hot water seemed like a good idea. Fabulous!! I love how every ache in my body seemed to dissipate. I sunk down allowing the water to wash over my head and face and then I realized, even though water is one of my least favorite things, it has that one aspect that I absolutely love. The moment when the water cover your ears and all you hear is silence, but unlike the usual silence… It is as if everything is so muffled and you can close your eyes and feel almost weightless in it.
Splendidly delightful silence where you are almost blended with the water and all you hear is the soft sound of your own distant heartbeat and the sound of your breathing. Even your thoughts seem weightless and you can just be..

There is something sublimely soothing about that…

Those little things lurking in the dark…

I was a fear filled child. I wasn’t so much afraid of the dark, as I was of the things lurking around in it. I remember countless times where I would drag my mattress from my bed and go sleep in front of my mother’s bed. When it became inappropriate to do that I used to ask my sister if I could sleep with her.

The thing was, I would find myself suddenly filled with fear due to the scary shapes in the dark that was nothing more than my teddies on top of the cupboard. I still remember vividly a recurring nightmare I had about one particularly huge teddy, it use to climb off and look for me, chasing me around. In my dream I always ended up hiding in the top of my cupboard to avoid him.

I remain a fear filled grown up. I scare easily and still sometimes find that I avoid going to the bathroom at night…there is a manhole just in front of the bathroom door. Even though it is covered of course, I always fear looking up and seeing two bleak little children’s faces with dark sunken eyes staring back at me. I must admit I have woken up at night filled with the aftermath of a scary dream that left me reaching for my husband and asking him to hold me till I fall asleep again.

At times I get that nagging feeling that I’m being watched. Once whilst driving home with my mom, I saw a mother and child holding hands, standing in the middle of the little ground road where we had to drive. it was only for an instance but I got a tremendous fright thinking my mom would hit them. When I turned around they were gone and clearly my mom didn’t notice them at all.

My six year old daughter is also afraid at night. Knowing how she feels I never send her back to her room if she sneaks into our bed. I remove all her teddies from her bed and make sure there are no weird shapes. I know exactly how she feels so I suppose I sometimes spoil her out of sympathy to sleep with us.

I’ve read that it is completely normal for children at her age to be scared at night and that some children have a better developed imagination which can cause them to create a more imaginative world. This in turn can lead to them “creating” and imagining scary things more often. If this is true however, then why am I still scared at times? I can reason with things and know without a doubt that there is no such things as monsters, but the reality of it does not aid in soothing my fears… And I’m definitely not six anymore. Hopefully my daughter will grow out of her nightmares and hopefully I will as well 😉