The facade

two_faced__by_r_becca

Significant moments of change are definitely not as exciting as they seem at first glance. You find yourself going through the motions, moving from one step to the other autonomously.  It’s moments of “just get through this hour… just get through this day… just get through this week”.  At night you sigh with the notion that sleep is in sight, you have barely finished releasing that breath of utter relief and then it starts all over again. The next day, the next moment…

I can’t say I live for weekends, they are fleeting and time is spent hovering around in the seconds they encapsulate trying to desperately get everything that was neglected through the week back on track and up to date.

Maybe it is just the overwhelming sense of time lost and the limitation of not having enough time to just breathe and be that is so overwhelmingly daunting.  The notion that you have no choice other than accepting the limitations you are bound by and allowing yourself to go with it. To give in to all that you don’t want for yourself, allowing adulthood to swallow your dreams of balance and creative expression. You are expected to leap over the edge and accept the fate that is yours.  In light of your frustrations you are judged and friendly encouragement from others slowly nudges you closer to where they expect you to  just fall so that your silence can be music to their ears.

Moments of reflection give you brief perspective and makes you realize that it has been written on the path of so many others before you and you should just blend yourself into the mass of other colors that end up being a dull pool of grey. Maybe once you have snubbed the overly ambitious dreams and have ridden yourself of all color you can just melt into the cesspool of all that is normal. Maybe this acceptance will lead to a false sense of joy and achievement because in light of you letting go of all that defines you as a person, you no longer feel that it is a significant loss.

 

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Walk against the wind

Upon a summers walk one day

a breeze came rolling by

it caught on the heels of a walker kind

and pulled and blew to get it’s way

 

gripping and swirling

It’s tentacles of dust and cold

around it’s victim

grasping and strengthening it’s hold

 

a wonderful summer morning walk

turned unpleasant and rough

no sunshine felt

the walker had just about enough

 

looking for sun on a beautiful day

a walk to embrace

the path now ruined

the wind showing it’s ugly face

Broken promises

As grown-ups we can so easily rationalize things. We are mature enough to understand certain situations, and that some things or people are more important or get preference.

Kids however cannot grasp these concepts. They simply see things as black and white and sometimes their view on things can make us wonder, and re-think previously easily-accepted situations.

Tonight I found myself in a situation where I had to explain things to my daughter, her very basic questions had me thinking…she has a point… Then my rational mind would step in and try to convince my emotional mind that yes… Things haven’t happened because other more important things has to happen… But then my rational mind conflicts with itself questioning the importance of these events preceding the importance of what she asked for, and weighing up the two, I find her needs important and the other needs not.

I find myself so emotionally conflicted and hurt at the same time. I’m angry at myself for not fulfilling her and her sisters needs, I have no one to blame for putting them last on the list as everyone else has their own stuff to sort out and worry about. They are fundamentally my girls, no matter how much I would love people to take them into consideration more, it won’t happen.

Uugh!! I’m so saddened and frustratingly angry with myself! I want to give them all they need and want, and what is worse is that they don’t even ask for a splinter of what other children ask for, but yet, their few requests have not been fulfilled. I just want them happy and comfortable.

I feel so handicapped by my inability to do that for them. 😦 I can’t stand it, I have to do something, no one else will.

Big sigh

Fray Stop ??!!

Aaaggh yes, I’ve come to realize I ponder over things way too frequently. I analyze, assess, re analyze, ponder some more…It’s utterly exhausting! In the very many moments where I find myself unable to sleep, it always consumes my sleepless moments, leaving remnants of frustration, sadness, anger and above all exhaustion.

I’m undoubtedly fraying… Slowly but surely at the seems till nothing will be left but the frays. I’m not really functional, if I had been a power tool or appliance I would have been returned or taken in for repair ages ago. Sadly I think my warranty has expired, so I’m left functioning at a much less desirable level.

My rational mind knows that I should just take a moment to breathe, stop analyzing, stop wanting things more ordered and organized, but it’s challenging. Relinquishing control to my more rational self is proving much harder than I expected.

Note to self: just breathe…

Tiny grains of sand

Failure – a word I dread. One, that given the choice, I would happily omit from any dictionary. I have always feared failure and yet always felt as if it has been something I do, or something that follows me around with tentacles creeping up at me trying to get hold and strangle me.

When I was younger I diligently did all that was asked or expected of me. Gave my 110% … I remember the feelings I had when test results were handed out. No matter how well I did, I never felt proud, never felt a sense of achievement. It was always a case of “if only”. If only I managed to get those few marks… If only… Even on tests where I received full marks, I still always felt that it was just ok. Never great, just ok.

All I wanted to do in life was to make my parents proud. I got married very young and had my girls at a fairly young age as well. This year has been filled with so many personal challenges for me. It’s a strange feeling maturing into the person you strive to be. I have struggled for years with so many inner demons.

Always trying to please, to be the perfect wife, daughter, mother. Somewhere along the line I completely lost sight of the fact that I stopped being who I am. I lost sight of what I needed and what fulfilled me as a person.

When my youngest daughter was eight months old I felt I needed to divorce my husband… There where so many things, the small things, tiny things… But a whole lot of tiny grains of sand end up giving you endless beaches… That’s what happened, I ended up on a vast desolated beach, alone and broken.

As a wife I always felt the need to protect the image of my husband, the father of my children. My fear of failure also played a tremendous roll in me deciding to stay married. I thought I was irrational, just had a baby a few months earlier, blamed hormones for my feelings. My husband always insisted I stay home to raise our girls, so being financially dependent on him also made it extremely difficult for me to leave.

I did not want to fail, I did not want to disappoint my family. Constantly living with someone that would give you anything you asked for seems ideal… But sometimes what you need from someone cannot be replaced by gifts or things. In my eleven years of marriage my husband gave me one complement without me having to ask for it. I remember it so vividly only because it shocked me so completely.

He never physically abused me, it was the moments where an argument arose or a little tiff, and he would end up using harsh words telling me to be quiet, or else.. Or ” just leave me”, or else. Living with a constant fear where you would rather avoid saying your say, and always backing down in every confrontation. It’s like taking a small chisel and slowly breaking down pieces of a wall. Initially the wall stands firm, but eventually the structure is so weakened that it crumbles and breaks.

I used to never be able to go have coffee with a friend or even a family member without knowing I’ll get home and I’ll have to face a super grumpy husband because I left him alone for an hour. Even though he said I could go, there it was when I returned home… That all to familiar attitude drowning me in guilt.

Not having my opinion valued was also a constant. It’s not a big thing, but sometimes you want to feel considered, and you want to feel that your view of something counts. You don’t want to hear that you are stupid, or that you are pathetic.

My husband was never hands on around the house. We did some extensions to our house years ago. I remember sitting in my new dining room with the mitre box sawing the skirtings for the dining room crying, not because I couldn’t do it, but because my hands hurt and I wanted him to do it. My dad ended up helping me put them in as I just didn’t have enough physical strength to hammer them onto the wall. I helped my dad tile our patio, put all the windows in our french doors, siliconed the bathroom, painted… Nothing I would ever mind doing, but all I wanted was for him to care enough to do it for me, or at the very least to just acknowledge that I did it and say thanks. Not to walk in and point out what still needs to be done.

I don’t consider myself overly emotional, but I had days or moments where I would cry and he would be home. All I wanted was a hug, just a hug and to be told all will be fine, but I didn’t get that. I got the “it’s pathetic to cry” attitude. So in time I had to almost schedule my emotional moments for when I was alone. I avoided crying in front of him altogether.

My husband has a way of twisting words. I would say something, and he’ll recount what I said to someone and say something entirely different.. And always in a negatively different way. I hated it, I asked and pleaded him to stop doing it. He used to embarrass me with his account of what “I said”, and would even go as far as to tell people things I never said. It was utterly frustrating.

My husband also used to use me for any excuses he had to make. If someone wanted to come over and he didn’t feel in the mood, it would always be because I didn’t want visitors, or I didn’t like this or that. I hated that he couldn’t take responsibility for anything and just passed it along to me.

There were so many more little things.. Not helping me with the girls, the insults, the harsh words, the treats. Intimate things I could never blog about

Like I say… Tiny grains of sand…

It became a part of my life and enveloped me so completely, that I ended up thinking it’s normal. It’s something I became complacent with. I ended up so lost within the daily routine of having to live the roll I had in life.

And then I woke up one morning, and realized I had a reason to live, realized I can feel happy and fulfilled… And that reason gave me strength to stand up and make a decision.

That’s what I did.. I chose.. I chose to get divorced. This is just the start of my story, my way to vent … To document the change I consciously chose to make.
There is so much more to my story… But for now I’ll leave it for another sleepless night.

Seeing as morning is only 3 hours away, I think I’ll try and get some sleep…