Write me a song

Write me a song for every moon
Of lust and love and friendship
Lyrics of sweet shared conversations
Moments shared but possibly gone soon

Write me a song for every star
To hold on to the sweet memories
Of stargazing and sweet kisses shared
Tender touches and stares from afar

Write me a song for every sun
Abundant moments of laughter
Feelings of belonging and care
Like a flower in bloom love begun

Write me the sweetest song
Hold me close and don’t let go
Whisper sweet nothings in my ear
For I won’t be here for long

Write me a song to soothe my pain
Remind me of all that is good and kind
Tell me why life is beautiful
And explain why holding on is not in vain

Write me a sweet song of remebering
Of all that we shared in a lifetime
Kisses and whispers of tenderness
As to forever sleep I am surrendering

I’ll write you a song from heaven above
The sweetest melody you will ever hear
Filled with all the missed moments
Filled with all of me and all my love

The facade

Significant moments of change are definitely not as exciting as they seem at first glance. You find yourself going through the motions, moving from one step to the other autonomously.  It’s moments of “just get through this hour… just get through this day… just get through this week”.  At night you sigh with the notion that sleep is in sight, you have barely finished releasing that breath of utter relief and then it starts all over again. The next day, the next moment…

I can’t say I live for weekends, they are fleeting and time is spent hovering around in the seconds they encapsulate trying to desperately get everything that was neglected through the week back on track and up to date.

Maybe it is just the overwhelming sense of time lost and the limitation of not having enough time to just breathe and be that is so overwhelmingly daunting.  The notion that you have no choice other than accepting the limitations you are bound by and allowing yourself to go with it. To give in to all that you don’t want for yourself, allowing adulthood to swallow your dreams of balance and creative expression. You are expected to leap over the edge and accept the fate that is yours.  In light of your frustrations you are judged and friendly encouragement from others slowly nudges you closer to where they expect you to  just fall so that your silence can be music to their ears.

Moments of reflection give you brief perspective and makes you realize that it has been written on the path of so many others before you and you should just blend yourself into the mass of other colors that end up being a dull pool of grey. Maybe once you have snubbed the overly ambitious dreams and have ridden yourself of all color you can just melt into the cesspool of all that is normal. Maybe this acceptance will lead to a false sense of joy and achievement because in light of you letting go of all that defines you as a person, you no longer feel that it is a significant loss.

 

Walk against the wind

Upon a summers walk one day

a breeze came rolling by

it caught on the heels of a walker kind

and pulled and blew to get it’s way

 

gripping and swirling

It’s tentacles of dust and cold

around it’s victim

grasping and strengthening it’s hold

 

a wonderful summer morning walk

turned unpleasant and rough

no sunshine felt

the walker had just about enough

 

looking for sun on a beautiful day

a walk to embrace

the path now ruined

the wind showing it’s ugly face

Broken promises

As grown-ups we can so easily rationalize things. We are mature enough to understand certain situations, and that some things or people are more important or get preference.

Kids however cannot grasp these concepts. They simply see things as black and white and sometimes their view on things can make us wonder, and re-think previously easily-accepted situations.

Tonight I found myself in a situation where I had to explain things to my daughter, her very basic questions had me thinking…she has a point… Then my rational mind would step in and try to convince my emotional mind that yes… Things haven’t happened because other more important things has to happen… But then my rational mind conflicts with itself questioning the importance of these events preceding the importance of what she asked for, and weighing up the two, I find her needs important and the other needs not.

I find myself so emotionally conflicted and hurt at the same time. I’m angry at myself for not fulfilling her and her sisters needs, I have no one to blame for putting them last on the list as everyone else has their own stuff to sort out and worry about. They are fundamentally my girls, no matter how much I would love people to take them into consideration more, it won’t happen.

Uugh!! I’m so saddened and frustratingly angry with myself! I want to give them all they need and want, and what is worse is that they don’t even ask for a splinter of what other children ask for, but yet, their few requests have not been fulfilled. I just want them happy and comfortable.

I feel so handicapped by my inability to do that for them. 😦 I can’t stand it, I have to do something, no one else will.

Big sigh

Fray Stop ??!!

Aaaggh yes, I’ve come to realize I ponder over things way too frequently. I analyze, assess, re analyze, ponder some more…It’s utterly exhausting! In the very many moments where I find myself unable to sleep, it always consumes my sleepless moments, leaving remnants of frustration, sadness, anger and above all exhaustion.

I’m undoubtedly fraying… Slowly but surely at the seems till nothing will be left but the frays. I’m not really functional, if I had been a power tool or appliance I would have been returned or taken in for repair ages ago. Sadly I think my warranty has expired, so I’m left functioning at a much less desirable level.

My rational mind knows that I should just take a moment to breathe, stop analyzing, stop wanting things more ordered and organized, but it’s challenging. Relinquishing control to my more rational self is proving much harder than I expected.

Note to self: just breathe…