Wish…Want…

So at last Christmas has come and gone. I must admit I’m glad it’s over. This was the first year I didn’t spend Christmas day with my girls and didn’t see my mom and dad.

Seeing as the girls had to go to their dad’s, we opted to do everything we usually do on Christmas day on Christmas eve. My dad put up lights as usual for the girls and everyone tried to be in the festive spirit. My daughter turned 10 on Christmas day. I only briefly saw my girls Christmas morning before dropping them at their dad’s.

I woke with a heavy heart and the trip to their dad’s was agonizingly painful. I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. My youngest daughter didn’t say a word for the entire trip and saying goodbye was heartbreaking. I know it’s only for a couple of days, but it makes no difference.

I ended up spending Christmas with friends and had absolutely amazing food and dessert, but I could not shake the feeling of sadness I felt the entire day. It’s truly emotionally draining to feel so overwhelmed by it. I so missed my girls.

Christmas held no surprises, I didn’t have a Christmas list, but did wish for one or two things. Wishes don’t come true though, and this year mine left me disappointed … Sigh

I’m dreading 2013, I’m hoping it will be a better year than the current one.

Smile and wave

It is the season to be jolly…. Hmmmm nope, I think not.

Pondering over some thoughts this last week, I have come to realize that sometimes you really need to wake up, breathe in deeply and accept things for what they are and people the way they are. I told my friend this morning that I am at a selfish point in my life where I don’t want to take a step back, and where I don’t want to be super considerate. For once, just for once, I want to be considered first, or deemed of high enough importance that what I think or feel matters… Even in the smallest, remotest possible way.

Sadly that the harsh fact remains that it just won’t be that way for me. I understand with my current circumstances, the this and the that are going through a rough time… I get it, be accommodating, be super duper understanding… But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could say ” hey, I’m kinda going through a bad time also…a little consideration would be appreciated”

I know, I’m super selfish, trust me, I’m really working on it… Trying to just do what I do best, do what I have done for so many years and take a step back… Be considerate and accommodating, smile and wave. It’s just so unbelievably difficult to do when those steps back or considerations really tear at your heart. I hate feeling a sense of continual loss… Like the feeling that you are holding onto something, regripping the entire time, but yet still loosing your hold. Feeling like you are grasping at something that is not entirely yours, and will never be.

I feel like a child being told to share and not wanting to. Sharing your entire life sometimes gets you to a point where you just want to have your toys all to yourself. Sigh…. I know, I know… Pointless hormonal ramblings 😦

I also realize that I have come to a point in my life where I put very little value into words. Most are spoken but not meant. They have become so robotic or automated in a sense, a general response. It frustrates me so!

I do so wish Christmas would fly past. Feeling at the precipice of tears continually does not leave me excited about it at all. There is absolutely nothing, no gift that could lift my spirits this year, not even if the planets all suddenly started spurting signs of life and aligning in cute formations… Nothing!

For you my Friend

My friend

Sometimes I see so clearly in your eyes
The sorrow and hurt of certain goodbyes
Your heartache and longing for a mom that you miss
The distance too great between you and your sis

Your confidence in all your abilities down
Too many issues causing a frown
Your tender little heart bearing everyone’s worries
Hearing their troubles, complaints and their sorry’s

Trying always to seem strong and sure
Being a good friend with a heart that’s pure
But sometimes it helps to just shed a tear
To admit to your heartache and sorrows and fear

I wish you could see how wonderful you are
That everyone adores you both near and far
An intelligent women filled with beauty and grace
A wonderful mother and wife with a glow upon her face

If confidence and self love could be placed in a box
I’d give you both in this year’s christmas socks
I’d take a tiny bit of your stubbornness away
saving it for when needed on a rainy day 😉

Love you my friend! You’ll forever be my most favorite unofficial sister-in-law 🙂

Cheerio Cheer?

With Christmas creeping closer, I feel like there is an invisible rubber band slowly constricting tighter around my body robbing me of precious air. I have always loved the festive season. I love the smells and aromas of good food that tingles your taste buds, the smells of all the familiar people you get to see and hug and share the festive cheer with, as well as the smell of all the decorations making their appearance after an entire year of slumber.

This year however I will have no tree to put up, no decorations to dust off and hang on the branches, frankly I feel as if I have lost my christmas cheer. This year has been challenging, I have come to know so many emotions I have not felt before. With my divorce also not yet finalized I feel there are so many loose ends that remain unresolved keeping my year in a mess.

I know Christmas is not about gifts and all that, but I do feel burdened by the thought that I cannot spoil my girls like before or give them a huge tree to enjoy. Christmas day is also my daughter’s birthday which adds another band to my already very constricted chest. She so desires to have a party before school breaks up in 3 weeks. Turning ten is a big thing for her… what to do … what to do … Sigh.

This will most definitely be a challenging Christmas. I keep reminding myself that I still have so much to be grateful for regardless of all that has happened this year. I cannot possibly sit back and allow myself any self pity, it will be so pathetic. I have thought of some ideas on how to spend the school holiday with my girls constructively. We might not have a tree, we might not have lots of gifts, but we do have each other and for that I’m utterly grateful, and somehow I’ll make it work. Perhaps with a few creative ideas we’ll spruce up the bland walls a bit, and who knows, we might even conjure up a tree 🙂

Christmas Cheer

Christmas is such a blissful day, bringing together friends and family. I relish in the festivities and always look forward to the traditions formed over years and the joy and excitement when the girls open up their presents.

We always have Gammon, and the salty satisfaction of it is definitely something I always look forward to, gloriously glazed with applesauce or some well matured whole grain mustard. This year my dad made a fantastic broccoli salad with purple onions,baby tomatoes and roasted sunflower seeds. It was divine, and the crisp green broccoli with the ruby redness of the tomatoes and purple onions looked mouthwatering.

We always make an abundance of puddings, my absolute favorite part of the meal 🙂 my mom made a delicious trifle with crisp sweet cherries, mountains of cream and sherry soaked layers of sugar bread. We strayed away from other traditional desserts this year, so we also had some glorious chocolate mousse and a rich, creamy peppermint tart with layers of crunchy, butter rich biscuits. We also had a unbelievable moist chocolate cake engulfed in a rich chocolate sauce and walnuts. My mom made a lovely lemon meringue that had a fabulously tart taste.

Between all the glasses of ruby red wines and the aromatic flavors of food and satisfying desserts, we were all left feeling blessed and happy. My dad decorated their house with lights, our girls love it, and he specially does it for them every year. So as the sun set we went for a stroll and looked at all the lights.

After leaving my parents house, we stopped by at my husband’s brother-in-law’s house and spent some time having a glass of wine whilst the girls played with the other children. We left after twelve and the girls only got to bed at one in the morning, so we had a very full day filled with excitement and joy. It is such a blessing having so much joy and happiness and being surrounded by love. I realize that I’m very fortunate to know so many wonderful loving people.

I hope you all had a blessed and wonderful Christmas as well. xx