To do list…survive another year

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Apparently it takes two years to adjust…twelve months seem like a really long time and it is.  a Year ago we were scrambling around getting all our things in order for our trip. It feels like it was just the other day. There are those moments where you so desperately miss family that it feels like forever, where the gap suddenly closes nearly shut and you remember the wave of emotions felt as if it was yesterday,  you realize just how long it has been and how far away you are from the familiar warm embraces that you loved and now miss.  It is surreal and you know it is not just a simple hop in the car and a drive down the road to go catch up.

I often check my Facebook and look at my nearby friends just to see that everyone I want to spend time with is 12000km away. I keep checking as if that gap would magically close and become smaller but it never does.  Meeting new people and seeing them on there does not quite help just yet. In our rush to get on with things, work and trying to balance several other things we find very little time to make new friends. I definitely miss having someone pop over for a glass of wine or visiting family. It is the single hardest thing to adjust to.

Sometimes you drive in your car and see someone that resemble somebody you know and for a split second you want to believe they are magically there but then you realise you are just being stupid and they are not. It is weird how you carry the smell of someone with you, you can’t smell them but you know their scent and you just want a hug and to be surrounded by the familiarity of that smell… the smell of mom or dad, the feeling of dad’s stubble against your cheek… I miss it, it’s hard.

My boss and her family moved here when she was my daughter’s age, I also work with her brother and he was only six when they moved. Listening to him speak about their experience gives me hope. They started over and they are fine, they are all well, seem like a lovely close knit family, successful with a bunch of gorgeous kids. I’m really hoping my kids will look back one day and feel that we did something good for them. I honestly hope I will look back and feel I did something good for me.

Hopefully we will make some friends along the way and hopefully I can sip a glass of wine with a good friend that will get me and laugh at my stupid jokes. For them moment I do not feel feel like celebrating the last year that has passed.

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Epic FAIL

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I give new meaning to the phrase.

So rewind back to the start of the week…
Monday… OK traffic to work, good traffic home (might get there earlier)… Yip 10 min…Yay.
Dinner…(yawn)…chat..work..(yawn)….sleep

Tuesday,  early start (yawn).. Repeat Monday

Wednesday,  rush in to work (yawn),skip lunch, leave early..school parent teacher interview.. ..great child ( yay, small victory,  feeling proud) get an early start to dinner. (YAWN)
Work..bed…. Formulate plan for dinner for tomorrow…. Will have this under control,  will be good.. Aim to eat before 8pm..plan set

Wake up, rush, pre prepare dinner(will be amazing) traffic to work good..forgot to hang up washing (damn)…work..lunch..yawn…traffic home looking bad…(will be ther at 6:45… Not worried… Dinner sorted,  looking forward to an earlier start to work)  Have a plan, phone home to ask Jaime to put some rice on… So clever…  Really have it down today… Suddenly realised slow cooker was not switched on… Gutted… EPIC FAIL!!!

Tomorrow can only be amazing.

Who said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks

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It’s difficult to decide what you should do in life to ensure both intelectual and creative stimulation. We spend so much time at work that it is an understatement to say you have to love what you do.

Another difficult challenge is when you want to explore and express your creativity and incorporate that into the career you have chosen.

I spent three years studying information technology only to decide that programming left me bored and the prospect of hardly interacting with other people was something I didn’t see myself fitting into.

I was very young, should have maybe given it more of a chance but oh well. So today I decided to have a snoop around and see what Web design is all about. Did some very basic html tutorials and it was great fun.

I got stuck and had to figure very stupid things out and filled my mind with so many basic concepts. Fun fun fun, I have forgotten how much I like to study and felt a smidge better knowing my ageing brain got a little exercise for a change. I know it’s not rocket science, but it was fun. 😀

Walking on broken glass

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Trying to not dissapoint people is much harder than it seems. I am peering over the precipice of significant transformation and I am completely engulfed in the suffocating cloud of decisions and insecurities.

It is significant how you act or react when someone or something takes all possibility away from you. It almost confirms the tough choices you have to make are worth making. Like a thief in the night that robs you of what you love, what you hold dear, what you would miss… But being reassured that new and better things will replace all that has been lost.

I have tried to add value, I have tried to improve the quality of things.. We have tried, we have tried and we have failed. It is difficult being a supporter, it is even more difficult being a decider.

With so many things hanging in the balance the path is clear. It is lit by arrows showing the way. The difficulty lies in getting onto the path and moving forward in the direction of those arrows.

I was told recently by an “angel lady” a spiritual guide that she sees me constantly moving, that I need to just “go now”. That with the significant rebirth and transformation all will be in balance as it should be.

I have come to realise a few things…  Where he is..the love of my life..there I will be happy, even if that is worlds away…

I was meant to have 4 kids, that’s why God blessed me with them…

I love my dog and I need to have her with me even if it means that we will be seperated for a while…

I love my family.. I love my family….I love my family… They will all be fine

My heart is not singing..much

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Do what makes your heart sing, your soul dance and keep you fulfilled right?  Yeah, it is so true. Having a very creative personality it is so difficult when you are constricted and unable to express yourself.  Of course I am realistic and I know life is what it is, and we can’t just dance in the rain and be free to do what we want, and I’m not at all unhappy with the things I do on a daily basis. It is the creative side in me that rebels and reminds me constantly that is is deprived of truely great moments of expression.

I have my moments where I feel so unbelievably restricted, and at times it can feel quite claustrophobic.. almost like I desperately need to come op for air just to find that it is a brief gasp. I never realised how important certain things are to me and what meaning they hold but as I’m growing older and exploring the aspects of my personality I realize more and more what it is I want, and what I crave to feel fulfilled. I know I’m ambitious, which in itself makes things difficult. I had so much to prove to some people, which I have done and have gone above and beyond the small goals I set for myself. I suppose it circles back to the fact that I have satisfied certain needs, and in the process I have greatly neglected to satisfy my creative needs.  I’m sure it is a very difficult concept for people who are not creative to grasp, but it really eats away at you, slowly but surely.

I have left work on so many nights determined to go home and do something creative, just to get there exhausted flopping down on the couch with very little in mind other than seeing the girls off to bed and going to bed myself. So what to do, how do you fill the empty gaps deprived of all the little pleasures you love in a world that is so unbelievably limited.

It feels like a curse, equipped with the desire to do so much but chained and unable to. At the moment I’m looking forward to a holiday that is already filled with so many mundane “have to do” tasks hoping there will be a few moments I can steal to be just me. If only I can refuel with a little bit of what I so desperately crave, then I can see another year through. If not, I’m sure it will be great, but my heart will only hum, and not sing again until it has been covered in paint stained brush strokes, or filled with the words of endless novels.