Reflections

I can’t remember when I started my blog, 2007 I think. I took some time to reflect on past posts. I don’t think I have ever gone back to read what I have written, but today I did.

What a journey! I went to pick up our passports this morning and opening it up to see our residency visas in there left me a little emotional. Finally they were there… it was a beautiful sight.

I have felt so much lighter since we received the news but today was special and best of all they were issued on my birthday!

We have a challenging year ahead, but I am so excited about the new challenges! Reading some old posts, I realise the journey I have been on. It’s been a challenging one. It has also been a good one.

One of healing, new beginnings, new adventures.

All the toxic people inflicting hurt now gone. My fur baby safe and sound with me. My girls safe and happy. My husband my biggest supporter. I have even taken the first steps confiding in people I hold in high regard and have a sense of trust. I don’t have new friends yet, but have relationships I now feel confident that I can develop.

It’s a good feeling. Looking forward to this year.

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Near impossible is still possible…

It’s been a while.. I usually blog when I need to release my unspoken words and emotions.

So much has changed…

I spoke to someone a couple of days ago about a past relationship and it stirred a few very hurtful memories. I got quite emotional reflecting on it and then in that moment I realised that some hurt takes a very long time to heal.

It can take a long time to build up what someone has broken down.

I had a lot to prove and I did. I had a lot to catch up on and I did.

Then a whole lot of good happened and my current husband and I moved countries. I met some good and horrible people along the way and then my husband gave me a little nudge. I ended up with a new job, surrounded by amazing people and best of all I have a great boss. He is super busy and I can’t quite understand why he takes time to help me develop the things I am interested in. I would hate to waste his time.

My courage and confidence fails me on most days, but hoping to get there in the end.

All in all, my ramblings are less because I have fewer of them. I want to focus on the future now. Learn. Grow. Lead.

I still have a lot to prove. Only this time it is proving it to myself and not to others.

Starting with my mid year goal. It’s near impossible but not unrealistic…I will judge myself again after this and see how it has gone.

The song goes… “steady feet don’t fail me know”.

My heart is not singing..much

thoughts

Do what makes your heart sing, your soul dance and keep you fulfilled right?  Yeah, it is so true. Having a very creative personality it is so difficult when you are constricted and unable to express yourself.  Of course I am realistic and I know life is what it is, and we can’t just dance in the rain and be free to do what we want, and I’m not at all unhappy with the things I do on a daily basis. It is the creative side in me that rebels and reminds me constantly that is is deprived of truely great moments of expression.

I have my moments where I feel so unbelievably restricted, and at times it can feel quite claustrophobic.. almost like I desperately need to come op for air just to find that it is a brief gasp. I never realised how important certain things are to me and what meaning they hold but as I’m growing older and exploring the aspects of my personality I realize more and more what it is I want, and what I crave to feel fulfilled. I know I’m ambitious, which in itself makes things difficult. I had so much to prove to some people, which I have done and have gone above and beyond the small goals I set for myself. I suppose it circles back to the fact that I have satisfied certain needs, and in the process I have greatly neglected to satisfy my creative needs.  I’m sure it is a very difficult concept for people who are not creative to grasp, but it really eats away at you, slowly but surely.

I have left work on so many nights determined to go home and do something creative, just to get there exhausted flopping down on the couch with very little in mind other than seeing the girls off to bed and going to bed myself. So what to do, how do you fill the empty gaps deprived of all the little pleasures you love in a world that is so unbelievably limited.

It feels like a curse, equipped with the desire to do so much but chained and unable to. At the moment I’m looking forward to a holiday that is already filled with so many mundane “have to do” tasks hoping there will be a few moments I can steal to be just me. If only I can refuel with a little bit of what I so desperately crave, then I can see another year through. If not, I’m sure it will be great, but my heart will only hum, and not sing again until it has been covered in paint stained brush strokes, or filled with the words of endless novels.

When September ends

Only two days left of September. I could not be happier that this month is finally coming to an end. It’s the month I started dating my ex, the month we got married and years later the month the girls and I moved out and the month we started divorce proceedings.

There were a few contributing factors that made this month particularly difficult. For one I had to phone my mom on her wedding anniversary, a date we use to share, and wish her without bursting into tears. I had to live through the many regrets I have and will always have. Then there was the wedding of my friend’s dad. With every dress I sewed I cried, with every thought of beautiful vows and flowers and happy wedding bliss, I was filled with sadness. I loved being apart of it all, but the constant reminder that I will never have that again was painful.

I know with my history I can’t expect any man to want to marry me, and be burdened with my children. I hate compromise, I did it for 15 years so I am selfish. I want what I want, but still I find myself at the precipice of another spell of way too much compromise and it infuriates me. I hate excuses, I try not to make them, and despise receiving them in return. You want something or you don’t, compromising on your choice of pudding will leave you satisfied with the dessert, but unfulfilled because you didn’t have exactly what you wanted.

I have been left damaged by my previous relationship, everyone is left with scars and damaged at some point, the fact that people use this as their excuse is what upsets me most.

Sigh, you reach a point in life where you know you can compromise and be happy with apple pie, but you also know you’ll be completely fulfilled and in absolute bliss having the chocolate mousse you actually want. So should you rather skip having apple pie and wait till you can have chocolate mousse? Surely then the people insisting on apple pie can have just that and in their own right be fulfilled, and you can end up having chocolate mousse with someone that wants chocolate mousse and also be fulfilled.

So is it really worth going through life being happy but not fulfilled?