My heart is not singing..much

thoughts

Do what makes your heart sing, your soul dance and keep you fulfilled right?  Yeah, it is so true. Having a very creative personality it is so difficult when you are constricted and unable to express yourself.  Of course I am realistic and I know life is what it is, and we can’t just dance in the rain and be free to do what we want, and I’m not at all unhappy with the things I do on a daily basis. It is the creative side in me that rebels and reminds me constantly that is is deprived of truely great moments of expression.

I have my moments where I feel so unbelievably restricted, and at times it can feel quite claustrophobic.. almost like I desperately need to come op for air just to find that it is a brief gasp. I never realised how important certain things are to me and what meaning they hold but as I’m growing older and exploring the aspects of my personality I realize more and more what it is I want, and what I crave to feel fulfilled. I know I’m ambitious, which in itself makes things difficult. I had so much to prove to some people, which I have done and have gone above and beyond the small goals I set for myself. I suppose it circles back to the fact that I have satisfied certain needs, and in the process I have greatly neglected to satisfy my creative needs.  I’m sure it is a very difficult concept for people who are not creative to grasp, but it really eats away at you, slowly but surely.

I have left work on so many nights determined to go home and do something creative, just to get there exhausted flopping down on the couch with very little in mind other than seeing the girls off to bed and going to bed myself. So what to do, how do you fill the empty gaps deprived of all the little pleasures you love in a world that is so unbelievably limited.

It feels like a curse, equipped with the desire to do so much but chained and unable to. At the moment I’m looking forward to a holiday that is already filled with so many mundane “have to do” tasks hoping there will be a few moments I can steal to be just me. If only I can refuel with a little bit of what I so desperately crave, then I can see another year through. If not, I’m sure it will be great, but my heart will only hum, and not sing again until it has been covered in paint stained brush strokes, or filled with the words of endless novels.

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When September ends

Only two days left of September. I could not be happier that this month is finally coming to an end. It’s the month I started dating my ex, the month we got married and years later the month the girls and I moved out and the month we started divorce proceedings.

There were a few contributing factors that made this month particularly difficult. For one I had to phone my mom on her wedding anniversary, a date we use to share, and wish her without bursting into tears. I had to live through the many regrets I have and will always have. Then there was the wedding of my friend’s dad. With every dress I sewed I cried, with every thought of beautiful vows and flowers and happy wedding bliss, I was filled with sadness. I loved being apart of it all, but the constant reminder that I will never have that again was painful.

I know with my history I can’t expect any man to want to marry me, and be burdened with my children. I hate compromise, I did it for 15 years so I am selfish. I want what I want, but still I find myself at the precipice of another spell of way too much compromise and it infuriates me. I hate excuses, I try not to make them, and despise receiving them in return. You want something or you don’t, compromising on your choice of pudding will leave you satisfied with the dessert, but unfulfilled because you didn’t have exactly what you wanted.

I have been left damaged by my previous relationship, everyone is left with scars and damaged at some point, the fact that people use this as their excuse is what upsets me most.

Sigh, you reach a point in life where you know you can compromise and be happy with apple pie, but you also know you’ll be completely fulfilled and in absolute bliss having the chocolate mousse you actually want. So should you rather skip having apple pie and wait till you can have chocolate mousse? Surely then the people insisting on apple pie can have just that and in their own right be fulfilled, and you can end up having chocolate mousse with someone that wants chocolate mousse and also be fulfilled.

So is it really worth going through life being happy but not fulfilled?

Steps

It’s strange how experiences from the past can affect your views, or shape your fears. It’s difficult to not compare or judge or assume the worst just because you have become so used to certain things or so used to certain reactions.

I have come to realize that some things that are lost can indeed be found again. Sometimes the search takes time, and sometimes things find you without you searching for it.

Last year around this time I sat on the floor of my house with shards of glass surrounding me with every surface covered in broken pieces of pots and frames, filled with so much fear, with my chest so constricted that I felt I would never breathe again. As I sat there sobbing my only thought was to get up, to sweep up and get the house sorted before I pick my girls up from school. So that is what I did.

People say being selfish is easy, it’s not. My choices to be happy and fulfilled was selfish. It was also undoubtedly the single most difficult thing I have ever done. I will never forget those moments where I scooped up the broken pieces with the shards cutting into my hands. In those moments it wasn’t just about scooping up the broken glass, but I was scooping up the broken pieces of myself.
In those moments I felt so broken and lost that I could not imagine ever finding my way back to happiness. The road to where we want to go might not be planned out on a map, but finding the courage to start the journey is ultimately the first step. I’ve taken many steps, and look forward to many more.

I know that at the end of the day I’ll find my way, if not, it will find me.

Excuses excuses

You can’t always make excuses. You’ll be stuck in emptiness leaving you wanting for happiness and fulfillment, but you’ll never get it. If your constant excuses or explanations are all you hide behind then that’s exactly where you’ll find yourself… Alone behind a screen. It’s become so easy for us to “explain” away our fears and insecurities that it is now commonplace. We don’t have to be honest, we can just be damaged and that should be deemed as enough explanation needed.

Why do we hide behind the words we cannot say? We’ve become such a polite society that there is no room for honesty. If you don’t like something, voice it. If you don’t love someone, tell them. Don’t blame your fears and insecurities, or being damaged. We are all damaged, we’ve all been hurt, betrayed, miss trusted… But what makes it so difficult to pull up those socks???!!! Why can’t we be adults, voice our fears, insecurities, worries etc, and then get on with life. Must everything always be on back order for one day, for one day when you are less damaged, more secure in a better place?

Saddest thing of all is that one day will come too late. People would not have stuck around, and you would be left with all those feelings and the inability to get over them will be all you have left to fill the void. Why give up people that would moves mountains for you? You’ll realize it way too late and ironically end up with someone that at best would move a little mole hill. Settling for that would be sad.

Don’t be ignorant of the things that are tangible and right in front of you for the taking… Remember what you do not grab, someone else will. Those lost opportunities will be your own cross to bear.

Everyone deserves what ultimately makes them happy and fulfilled. It’s not a compromise, if it was then it’s not worth it. You don’t compromise on happiness, or love, or friendship. It’s too priceless to settle for anything but what you really want!