Tired

Too tired to love to caress or to care
Too tired to hug or stroke through someone’s hair
With promises of cuddling, excitement and love
Expectations set better than just above
The waiting and chatter and excited talks
A glass of wine or romantic walks
But too tired to love or caress
Leaving love in a jumbled mess
A moment needed to connect and reflect
But too tired so give over to neglect
Too tired a good excuse as any
Leaving love lost too many
Don’t start your day off setting expectation
If all you do is give a tired explanation

Can you relate?

Ok so yes, to some degree a person could relate to someone else if they have experienced similar situations.  To some degree… But I get a little hot under the collar when people tell you they can relate, and “know how you feel” if they have never even once  been in remotely the same situation.

It is like those non parents that “relate” to your late night struggle with a sick child, or a child that keeps waking you at all hours of the night due to nightmares, making sleep impossuble.  Yeah, your late night partying or boozing or whatever.. NOT the same!

Or when you go through financial constraints and they know how “tough” it is because they could only buy one or two new outfits and their disposable income just doesn’t cover their dining out budget.  Yeah.. Not the same “feeling”…  At all.

Or the person that “understands” your frustrations with certain things, but has not even experienced a second of those frustrations…  Ever!

It’s a pathetic attempt for cheap conversation. There is nothing wrong with not being able to relate to someone’s situation or to what they are feeling. But there is something wrong with dismal irrelevancies and fake shows of support.

Birthday Build up

I’m so excited..  I’m not usually big on birthdays, but my upcoming one will definitely be the best ever.  I absolutely love surprises, but this year I know exactly what I will be getting for my birthday. Gigantic smile…

I can’t wait, last night a part of my birthday gift was completed and once it is all done it will be amazing.

I will be sure to post pics and let you all know what my special birthday gift was :-) 

Nothing

I feel like crawling into the infant position. Covering my eyes in darkness so that not the faintest ray of light can enter.

I feel like crying a puddle of tears with a volume so great that the warm salty water would rise up around me and over me.

I feel like not taking the slightest breath, refusing the toxic, used up air in my lungs to escape.

I feel drowning and suffocating and darkness.

I want to feel nothing.

Sigh

It’s amazing how people can let you down. I despise feeling dissapointed. I have come to realise that people ask you to be upfront with them, or honest, but then when you are, they just cannot handle it. I’m by no means an easy person. I feel very strongly about certain things and would not waver for any reason. I believe in consistency, be false or be true, but for heaven’s sake just be consistent. I see it as a great weakness when people are so influence d by the opinions other people have of them, to the point where they change their mind all the time to accomodate the people they want to be liked by. Seriously??  Why?? Would you rather have a false person in your group of associates or someone you could truly rely on. I have always said that trust is a very fragile thing. In my opinion it is just not realistic to trust everyone at first sight. I always enter relationships with a degree of mistrust. I think trust is proven and earned.

Sigh, I might have trust issues, but I know that the people who confide in me do so knowing whatever secret they shared would be safe. I was recently reminded that even when you think you can trust someone, it is not always the case. Sometimes you should not have to remind people that you are saying things in confidence. Sometimes you should be able to vent and give your opnion without it being discussed with a group of people. Sometimes you don’t speak to the “correct ” people because your intentions were merely to vent, not to complain.

Sigh, it sadens me to know that the few people I started to see as trustworthy, went and shared my thoughts and turned it into endless discussions.

I might be a difficult person, I might not show emotion and go around and hug everyone and cry for every sad situation, but that does not mean I do not feel emotional, it does not mean I don’t want to cry. When I feel hurt, I feel wounded as having gone through a emense battle, when I cry it is because I feel deeply hurt.

My emotions may not show because when they do they are meant, they are sincere, they are painfull.