I love LOVE so many creative things that it is hard to decide which rank higher than others.
My first love… Canvas without a doubt. I love painting, I don’t have much talent and just mess around, but I adore it. Oil on canvas remains my favorite, with acrylic short on it’s heels. I haven’t painted anything that required great effort on my part in a while. Recently I dabbled around with some kids art and some funny cows but nothing worth jumping for joy. It was purely for the fun of it. I have several blank canvasses waiting to be covered in glorious bouts of inspiration and color.
My second love…I have a new found interest is digital design, and working on some ideas. Hopefully I can get my hand on a digital drawing pad and express away… sigh.. would be bliss. I think it might just grow to be my new favorite but will have to see. I do love the traditional way of pencil to paper .I love how my pencil feels over a rough paper surface and the sound that creates as I apply it. Then there is the smell of paper and all things papery and beautiful. But for now, I am looking forward on my new venture of digital expression, so will share those mishaps eventually :)
My third love…There is something soothing and at the same time exciting about fabric. I feel the same way about fabric as I do about paper and canvas. The designs that speak to you and create an explosion of excitement when your mind gets flooded by all that you wish to create and make out of it. I have just found the most exciting online fabric supplier. Clicking on image after image all I want to do is order, and get my hands on as many of the beautiful designs as I possibly could. Sigh, I need to win the lotto.. fabric is so not in my budget lol.
It definitely lifts my mood when I can play around with all the things I love. I’m counting the days till my sewing machines arrive and till the day I can go buy my drawing tab. It will be most exciting and enjoyable.
Significant moments of change are definitely not as exciting as they seem at first glance. You find yourself going through the motions, moving from one step to the other autonomously. It’s moments of “just get through this hour… just get through this day… just get through this week”. At night you sigh with the notion that sleep is in sight, you have barely finished releasing that breath of utter relief and then it starts all over again. The next day, the next moment…
I can’t say I live for weekends, they are fleeting and time is spent hovering around in the seconds they encapsulate trying to desperately get everything that was neglected through the week back on track and up to date.
Maybe it is just the overwhelming sense of time lost and the limitation of not having enough time to just breathe and be that is so overwhelmingly daunting. The notion that you have no choice other than accepting the limitations you are bound by and allowing yourself to go with it. To give in to all that you don’t want for yourself, allowing adulthood to swallow your dreams of balance and creative expression. You are expected to leap over the edge and accept the fate that is yours. In light of your frustrations you are judged and friendly encouragement from others slowly nudges you closer to where they expect you to just fall so that your silence can be music to their ears.
Moments of reflection give you brief perspective and makes you realize that it has been written on the path of so many others before you and you should just blend yourself into the mass of other colors that end up being a dull pool of grey. Maybe once you have snubbed the overly ambitious dreams and have ridden yourself of all color you can just melt into the cesspool of all that is normal. Maybe this acceptance will lead to a false sense of joy and achievement because in light of you letting go of all that defines you as a person, you no longer feel that it is a significant loss.
Reading through my other blog I so miss the annonimity this one used to have. This used to be my place, my spot where I was not judged for the words that encapsulated my every emotion. Nothing I loved is as it used to be, not even my blog. Everything is new, judged daily, hearing nastiness from those you need desperate support from.
It’s easy to judge a person’s character, their mothering skills, comment on how miserable they are and that nothing will make them happy. Standing on the opposite side thinking they are self centered is easy to do when you are happy and content.
Like I said in my new blog, one of the many new things I have but don’t want, you cannot pour from an empty cup.
Maybe, just maybe there is just no room to consider anyone else when you are so focussed on just not self destructing . You might think that selfish but the choice is that or way worse. When every day from dusk till dawn and spurts in between is all just mammoth moments of “just get through it”.
And yes, do me a favour and please do not comment or speak your concern. I just don’t care.. At all.