To do list…survive another year

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Apparently it takes two years to adjust…twelve months seem like a really long time and it is.  a Year ago we were scrambling around getting all our things in order for our trip. It feels like it was just the other day. There are those moments where you so desperately miss family that it feels like forever, where the gap suddenly closes nearly shut and you remember the wave of emotions felt as if it was yesterday,  you realize just how long it has been and how far away you are from the familiar warm embraces that you loved and now miss.  It is surreal and you know it is not just a simple hop in the car and a drive down the road to go catch up.

I often check my Facebook and look at my nearby friends just to see that everyone I want to spend time with is 12000km away. I keep checking as if that gap would magically close and become smaller but it never does.  Meeting new people and seeing them on there does not quite help just yet. In our rush to get on with things, work and trying to balance several other things we find very little time to make new friends. I definitely miss having someone pop over for a glass of wine or visiting family. It is the single hardest thing to adjust to.

Sometimes you drive in your car and see someone that resemble somebody you know and for a split second you want to believe they are magically there but then you realise you are just being stupid and they are not. It is weird how you carry the smell of someone with you, you can’t smell them but you know their scent and you just want a hug and to be surrounded by the familiarity of that smell… the smell of mom or dad, the feeling of dad’s stubble against your cheek… I miss it, it’s hard.

My boss and her family moved here when she was my daughter’s age, I also work with her brother and he was only six when they moved. Listening to him speak about their experience gives me hope. They started over and they are fine, they are all well, seem like a lovely close knit family, successful with a bunch of gorgeous kids. I’m really hoping my kids will look back one day and feel that we did something good for them. I honestly hope I will look back and feel I did something good for me.

Hopefully we will make some friends along the way and hopefully I can sip a glass of wine with a good friend that will get me and laugh at my stupid jokes. For them moment I do not feel feel like celebrating the last year that has passed.

Leeg

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Ek voel vanaand baie leeg. Dis n vreemde gevoel, een sonder emosie maar een wat terselfde tyd verdrink in emosie. Ek skryf nie in Afrikaans nie, dis moeilik wat ek kry te min oefening…ek het al vergeet watter woorde die leemtes moet vul. Ek kan nie n spelcheck doen nie, geen koreksies kan gemaak word nie. Amper soos my leemte.

Ek hunker na soveel dinge wat buite my bereik is. Ek wil suksesvol voel in my werk en voel ek maak n verskil, ek wil genoeg verdien om siels alleen na my kinders te kan kyk sonder om van enige iemand anders afhanklik te wees. Ek wil meer tyd he, dae is so kort en winter aande ondraaglik lank met die koue wat byt.  Ek voel ‘n ondraaglike gevoel vas las wat ek net nie kan laat gan nie.

Ek het geen kapasiteit oor om hulp te bied vir mense wat gekies het om in my ou vertrapte voetspore te stap nie. Hulle  wat nou antwoorde soek op vrae wat ek lankal afstand van gedoen het.

Ek voel die laaste wasems wat my leemte vul ontsnap…my vingerpunte maak skaars kontak. Wie is die vreemde mense wat so gereed staan om te maak asof hulle omgee?

Al wat in my rond maal is die woorde wat ek nie kan uiter nie. Ek voel teleur gesteld in soveel mense, wees onbewegend in wat jy se en doen, ‘n rots in wie jy is. Die see waarin jy rond wieg maak my naar en ek verkies vaste land. My voete wil grond voel en wil nie heeltyd herstel van die aardskuddings wat jou onvastigheid veroorsaak nie.