An awful lot of awful days seems to surround me at the moment. I just cannot seem to get those big girl panties on to get through it. Anniversaries used to fun. Birthdays use to be fun. Now they are reminders that leave me feeling like an emotional wreck.
I knew the 2 year mark was approaching with memories of my last visit and goodbyes with the family. I thought it would be better, reached a milestone after all… but no, no no no. Not better, it has filled my week with me feeling like a biscuit dunked in hot coffee left soggy and falling apart.
Along with the reminders of how much I miss everyone it has been a week of checking of the boxes. The milestones of where we have been and where we are going. I have always been a little impatient. Time to get back to “”businesses as usual” is just taking too long. So it feels like a week of checking boxes of failures more than successes.
I get it, I know it’s been a big change, but it doesn’t make me in any less of a hurry. Two years and even in that time so much change. I like to make lists and check the boxes. Mitigate risk. Have clear direction of where I am going. I have a list, un-ticked boxes and still no clear direction of where I’m going or what I’m working towards. Sigh… risk seems to be the only thing I have mitigated well, but I’m at a point where I no longer want to take the most cautious approach. Maybe big risks will bring great reward.
I don’t know. What I do know is this week won’t be a good one to make important decisions. I miss my family. I miss meeting my husband for lunch, I miss work, I miss painting, I miss being woken up early morning by my sister-in-law popping in with coffee.
Sigh. Next week will be better. Logically I can process the reality of that sentence. Emotionally I don’t understand it’s meaning.