Epic FAIL

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I give new meaning to the phrase.

So rewind back to the start of the week…
Monday… OK traffic to work, good traffic home (might get there earlier)… Yip 10 min…Yay.
Dinner…(yawn)…chat..work..(yawn)….sleep

Tuesday,  early start (yawn).. Repeat Monday

Wednesday,  rush in to work (yawn),skip lunch, leave early..school parent teacher interview.. ..great child ( yay, small victory,  feeling proud) get an early start to dinner. (YAWN)
Work..bed…. Formulate plan for dinner for tomorrow…. Will have this under control,  will be good.. Aim to eat before 8pm..plan set

Wake up, rush, pre prepare dinner(will be amazing) traffic to work good..forgot to hang up washing (damn)…work..lunch..yawn…traffic home looking bad…(will be ther at 6:45… Not worried… Dinner sorted,  looking forward to an earlier start to work)  Have a plan, phone home to ask Jaime to put some rice on… So clever…  Really have it down today… Suddenly realised slow cooker was not switched on… Gutted… EPIC FAIL!!!

Tomorrow can only be amazing.

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The six Faces of Maternal Narcissism

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I have been doing a lot of reading on abuse, neglect, divorce, parenting … basically everything I can get my hands on to try and understand the way certain people act the way they do,  how they rationalize things, how the justify their actions… also trying to understand my own reactions to certain situations etc.  I came across this article and found it very interesting, I always maintained that no matter what, everyone is ultimately accountable for their actions or inactions, no matter the background..

What does the empty mirror reflect for you?

“Published on March 14, 2011 by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. in The Legacy of Distorted Love”

The six faces of maternal narcissism are identified as: the psychosomatic, the addicted, the secretly mean, and the emotionally needy. A parent can be a mixture of these types and often that is the case. Although brief, the following will explain each type.

The Flamboyant-Extrovert: This is the mother about whom movies are made. She’s a public entertainer, loved by the masses, but secretly feared by her intimate house partners and children. She’s the show biz or stage mom and is all about performing. She’s noticeable, flashy, fun and “out there.” Some love her but you despise the masquerade she performs for the world. You know that you don’t really matter to her and her show, except in how you make her look to the rest of the world.

The Accomplishment-Oriented: To the accomplishment-oriented mother, what you achieve in your life is paramount. Success depends on what you do, not who you are. This mom is about grades, best colleges and pertinent degrees. But… if you don’t accomplish what she thinks you should, she is deeply embarrassed and may even respond with fury and rage.

The Psychosomatic: The psychosomatic mother uses illness and aches and pains to manipulate others, to get her way, and to focus attention on herself. She cares little for those around her. The way to get attention from this kind of mother is to take care of her. This kind of mother uses illness to escape from her own feelings or from having to deal with difficulties in life. You cannot be sicker than she. She will up the ante.

The Addicted: A parent with a substance abuse issue will always seem narcissistic because the addiction will speak louder than anything else. Sometimes when the addict sobers up the narcissism seems less but not always. The bottle or drug of choice will always come before the child.

The Secretly Mean: The secretly mean mother does not want others to know that she is abusive to her children. She will have a public self and a private self, which are quite different. These mothers can be kind and loving in public but are abusive and cruel at home. The unpredictable, opposite messages to the child are crazy-making.

The Emotionally Needy: While all narcissistic mothers are emotionally needy, this mother shows the characteristic more openly than others. This is the mother you have to emotionally take care of which is a losing proposition to the child. The child’s feelings are neglected and the child is unlikely to receive the same nurturance that he or she is expected to provide for the parent.

If your parent had some of the above traits, it is important to note that they were not born that way. They likely had their own insurmountable barriers to receiving love and empathy when they were children. This does not take away your pain. We cannot ever condone child abuse. But, this knowledge does help accomplish a deeper understanding.

If your mirror is empty and your childhood lacked in proper nurturing, remember as an adult that recovery is the answer. It is mostly internal work that must be done. The healing five-step recovery model is outlined in Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Once we understand, we can move forward and build an internal mother who is always there when you need her. Unlike the narcissistic mother who is always there when she needs you.

Yesterday, today and the scars of tomorrow

Little tiny feet shuffling along, in need of loving care
Little hands holding a plate, needing food but it remains bare

Slowly toward a figure on the couch fast asleep,
Tiny eyes brimming with tears, silently begin to weep

In a daze from drunken sleep waking briefly to see
Where the nearest half full bottle could be

Little eyes watching filled with sorrow
No certainties or hope for tomorrow

Time passes like a stormy wind every day
Tiny hearts heavy keeping their secret with nothing to say

Tiny little hands become grown and strong
With more surety and sense of where to belong

Little heart hardened guarded behind a wall
Always remembering, always fearing to fall

The figure will be long forgotten, a memory in the past
But the scars will be left lingering, the pain will forever last

Rather parent a fish then

Being a parent is a privilege. It’s also mostly a conscious choice. Granted there are unwanted pregnancies that occur, but in most cases when you reach a certain point in your life, you and your partner consciously decide to have children.

As parents we have rights, the right to choose for our children when they are younger. The right to discipline them when needed etc… But we also have responsibilities.

The responsibility to clothe them. To see to it that they are properly fed, to give them a home that is safe and clean. To ensure they are emotionally stable. To teach them respect and proper behavior.

There is a thin line between rights and responsibilities, and many blurred patches that can make it challenging. But fundamentally I believe if you chose to be a parent you have to act like one and take on the responsibilities that go with it.

Life is not fair, it is not always easy. There are many challenges to face. You can’t however forgo your responsibility as a parent purely because you are going through a difficult time. I have been depressed and I know people that also go through their own turmoils, but we get up, feed our children, take them to school, smile and kiss them and make sure to be there when they need us. We don’t have the luxury to drink ourselves drunk and sleep our days away. We don’t skip meals because it’s too much effort to make our children lunch. We don’t swear and speak ill of people in front of our children because we feel like venting at the most inappropriate moments with no regard for what falls on little ears. We don’t do it because we are first and foremost parents.

We don’t have the luxury of doing the “parent thing” only when we feel like it. Our children are children, not an occasional hobby, or a fish that needs food and clean water every other day. Not a fashion accessory that is seasonal….no, they are children, precious, irreplaceable.

It’s a very sad fact that the world is filled with so many parents that should never have had children in the first place, they should have rather opted for fish, perhaps they could manage that responsibility.