•November 25, 2014 • 1 Comment
Do what makes your heart sing, your soul dance and keep you fulfilled right? Yeah, it is so true. Having a very creative personality it is so difficult when you are constricted and unable to express yourself. Of course I am realistic and I know life is what it is, and we can’t just dance in the rain and be free to do what we want, and I’m not at all unhappy with the things I do on a daily basis. It is the creative side in me that rebels and reminds me constantly that is is deprived of truely great moments of expression.
I have my moments where I feel so unbelievably restricted, and at times it can feel quite claustrophobic.. almost like I desperately need to come op for air just to find that it is a brief gasp. I never realised how important certain things are to me and what meaning they hold but as I’m growing older and exploring the aspects of my personality I realize more and more what it is I want, and what I crave to feel fulfilled. I know I’m ambitious, which in itself makes things difficult. I had so much to prove to some people, which I have done and have gone above and beyond the small goals I set for myself. I suppose it circles back to the fact that I have satisfied certain needs, and in the process I have greatly neglected to satisfy my creative needs. I’m sure it is a very difficult concept for people who are not creative to grasp, but it really eats away at you, slowly but surely.
I have left work on so many nights determined to go home and do something creative, just to get there exhausted flopping down on the couch with very little in mind other than seeing the girls off to bed and going to bed myself. So what to do, how do you fill the empty gaps deprived of all the little pleasures you love in a world that is so unbelievably limited.
It feels like a curse, equipped with the desire to do so much but chained and unable to. At the moment I’m looking forward to a holiday that is already filled with so many mundane “have to do” tasks hoping there will be a few moments I can steal to be just me. If only I can refuel with a little bit of what I so desperately crave, then I can see another year through. If not, I’m sure it will be great, but my heart will only hum, and not sing again until it has been covered in paint stained brush strokes, or filled with the words of endless novels.
•November 14, 2014 • 2 Comments
On the days were your friends fight and argue with you
The in between feelings where you are sad and blue
On days where your homework feels a little too much
With no time for tasks or guitar practice or such
On days where your hair just does not play along
And the words you sing are false in every song
On days where your heart has been broken by a boy
And you are crying and sad and have no joy
On days where you are moody and cross for no reason
And not matter the weather you just hate the season
Remember I’m here…
To teach you to deal with your friends and your foes
And listen to your worries and woes
To remind you there is enough time in your day
for study and practice and to play
To listen to your songs whatever the tune
And dance around like a silly baboon
To remind you that hearts are sometimes broken
And to never lash out at others with harsh words spoken
To teach you that to be grumpy is sometimes okay
and tell you taking it out on others is not the way
Above all just remember this
I’m always here for a cuddle or a kiss
Or a tickle or a squeeze or a hug
Or to tuck you into bed all snug
Love you girls xxxx
•November 6, 2014 • Leave a Comment
I came across this video on Facebook. I so wish that all I wanted was a mermaid tail …sigh. I struggle with so many body issues on a daily basis and never really leave my house feeling completely comforable in my skin. I know how women are judged and I always have that looming thought in mind. It wasn’t always like this, and it has nothing to do with me getting older as I look mostly the same other than some wrinkles. I have some blemishes that causes me to cringe when i look in the mirror, and everytime someone looks at me I know that they see it, and they judge because it is so ugly. I don’t really know when things went pear shaped, I don’t really know where I lost the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin… I hope one day it returns and that when that day comes maybe all i would want is a mermaid tail. But for now, if I had the money I would have gone for laser and who knows what all
•October 30, 2014 • 1 Comment
You know that feeling when you just want to sit and grin from ear to ear…and then you realise that you are actually doing it and the guy in the car next to you is clearly thinking you must be “special” because you are most probably looking like a dufus. Yip, that was the start to my day :-)
I do feel cheerfully happy this morning. The weather in Cape Town looks a little glum but not even that can take the spring out of my step. Both my girls received awards at school yesterday for culture and reflecting on everything they do and have done, I feel so proud. They are beautiful, intelligent and talented. What more can a mother ask for. I absolutely loved school…nerd I know, but I really did. The simplicity of it was blissful. The friends were sometimes forgettable, sometimes not. The boys were all still skinny and cute. Most of the teachers were fun and playfully strict. School was great.
The girls started at a new schol this year due to our move, but they are blossoming. It is just such a great feeling knowing that I don’t have to worry about them too much. They are diligent and really give me so many reasons to be proud.
Sigh, so yeah…there is that dorky grin again… I just can’t help myself.