April 2012 – Lyrics and Chocolate

Dear Fairy Godmother

Why can tears not turn back time? Imagine if they could, wouldn’t it be great?! Instead they are silent drops of hurt and despair. Shapeless and even though they seem clear, they are tainted with stress, worry, sorrow and regret.

Why can’t they be useful? I want my tears to be of some use, to bring relief, to ease my soul, to make me forget…. I want them to do something more than just be a reflection of feelings I would much rather not have. Why do we have the ability to cry if it is such a meaningless act? I hate how tears reflect a hidden inner weakness, how they remain long after they have dried. How they linger and reach so far down into your soul pulling at what hurts so very much.

Why …. Why why why!!!! Why do things happen that hold no hope or promise other than that of hurt that follow on sorrow’s heels?? Why do we make decisions that we know would undoubtedly leave us with regret? Why do we do things or say things we never should?

I hate that tears glisten when they serve no purpose of happiness… I hate that they bear silent witness… I hate that they communicate emotions and words that you want to trap forever!

I want them to help…and they are not! I want you to make them help!!
I want you to make them meaningful!!

Your friend in need

I have a terrifying, numbing fear of drowning. I have never had any fond connection to great bodies of water. I adore the ocean and can sit for hours gazing at the soothing ripples and the waves breaking on goldenly grainy shores, and the sound of waves breaking always leave me with a remnant calm and ease in my soul.

I however have absolutely no desire to immerse myself in the ocean. I don’t swim very well and besides the water that seems to want to swallow me into it’s depths, the thought of slimy, scaly covered fish being in very close proximity to any part of my skin, makes me feel an overwhelming sense of dread.

I do swim though, but never alone. I feel very safe when my husband is around, he is an excellent swimmer and I usually use him to bob me around in the water a bit. Swimming pools are just as bad, I feel much more at ease, but when a lot off people jump in and splash about, I do feel a bit overwhelmed and stressed.

This morning I took a glorious soak in a wonderfully fragrant bubble bath. I only had a few hours sleep and had to get up very early to finish a cake that I had to do for a birthday. My entire body felt bruised and sore and immersing myself in hot water seemed like a good idea. Fabulous!! I love how every ache in my body seemed to dissipate. I sunk down allowing the water to wash over my head and face and then I realized, even though water is one of my least favorite things, it has that one aspect that I absolutely love. The moment when the water cover your ears and all you hear is silence, but unlike the usual silence… It is as if everything is so muffled and you can close your eyes and feel almost weightless in it.
Splendidly delightful silence where you are almost blended with the water and all you hear is the soft sound of your own distant heartbeat and the sound of your breathing. Even your thoughts seem weightless and you can just be..

There is something sublimely soothing about that…